Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Despite a loving relationship and almost inseparable bond, you and your father will soon be divided by nothing more than a giant, highly specialized centrifuge.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Tomorrow will be the perfect day to curl up in bed with a good book and sob hysterically about how you never properly learned to read.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll finally admit that getting a tattoo of your favorite rock band might have been a mistake. Sadly, it'll take the results of next Thursday's HIV test to bring the realization about.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Repeated, escalating strikes of a hammer against your kneecaps will test not only your body's natural reflexes, but also your ability to figure out that the man in the white coat isn't really a doctor.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
While truth can often be found at the heart of good humor, everyone will laugh at your dissertation on "Political Obligation And The Just State" for a completely different reason.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You have no sympathy for people who always take the easy way out of difficult situations. What you have for them is empathy.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
After 30 grueling miles, you'll finally hit a wall next week while driving back home in your car.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your elderly mother will go quietly in her sleep, dying painfully moments later from the lethal combination of urine and a poorly insulated electric blanket.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars think it's time you stopped letting fear control your life, and started letting it control the lives of those around you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Thankfully, you'll already be seated when doctors break the news of your complete paralysis from the waist down.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Look on the bright side: The recent yellowing of your skin might just be a sign of personal maturation.
