Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
Despite a loving relationship and almost inseparable bond, you and your father will soon be divided by nothing more than a giant, highly specialized centrifuge.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Tomorrow will be the perfect day to curl up in bed with a good book and sob hysterically about how you never properly learned to read.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You'll finally admit that getting a tattoo of your favorite rock band might have been a mistake. Sadly, it'll take the results of next Thursday's HIV test to bring the realization about.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Repeated, escalating strikes of a hammer against your kneecaps will test not only your body's natural reflexes, but also your ability to figure out that the man in the white coat isn't really a doctor.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.
Leo July 23 - August 22
While truth can often be found at the heart of good humor, everyone will laugh at your dissertation on "Political Obligation And The Just State" for a completely different reason.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You have no sympathy for people who always take the easy way out of difficult situations. What you have for them is empathy.
Libra September 23 - October 23
After 30 grueling miles, you'll finally hit a wall next week while driving back home in your car.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your elderly mother will go quietly in her sleep, dying painfully moments later from the lethal combination of urine and a poorly insulated electric blanket.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The stars think it's time you stopped letting fear control your life, and started letting it control the lives of those around you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Thankfully, you'll already be seated when doctors break the news of your complete paralysis from the waist down.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Look on the bright side: The recent yellowing of your skin might just be a sign of personal maturation.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
While he'll respond to almost every other inquiry, a time traveler from the not-so-distant future will refuse to disclose whether that's your leather jacket he's wearing.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.