At the AV Club: Glengarry Glen Ross

Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

September 13, 2006 | Issue 42•37

Your Birthday Today

Despite a loving relationship and almost inseparable bond, you and your father will soon be divided by nothing more than a giant, highly specialized centrifuge.

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Tomorrow will be the perfect day to curl up in bed with a good book and sob hysterically about how you never properly learned to read.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

You'll finally admit that getting a tattoo of your favorite rock band might have been a mistake. Sadly, it'll take the results of next Thursday's HIV test to bring the realization about.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Repeated, escalating strikes of a hammer against your kneecaps will test not only your body's natural reflexes, but also your ability to figure out that the man in the white coat isn't really a doctor.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

While truth can often be found at the heart of good humor, everyone will laugh at your dissertation on "Political Obligation And The Just State" for a completely different reason.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You have no sympathy for people who always take the easy way out of difficult situations. What you have for them is empathy.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

After 30 grueling miles, you'll finally hit a wall next week while driving back home in your car.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Your elderly mother will go quietly in her sleep, dying painfully moments later from the lethal combination of urine and a poorly insulated electric blanket.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

The stars think it's time you stopped letting fear control your life, and started letting it control the lives of those around you.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Thankfully, you'll already be seated when doctors break the news of your complete paralysis from the waist down.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Look on the bright side: The recent yellowing of your skin might just be a sign of personal maturation.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

While he'll respond to almost every other inquiry, a time traveler from the not-so-distant future will refuse to disclose whether that's your leather jacket he's wearing.

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