Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
Hope of a stripper jumping out of your sheet cake will only continue to fade with each slice that is cut and served.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A whirlwind office romance will bloom today between you and that stunning spreadsheet that tracks all funded programs, their revenue sources, and the deductible services they provide.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You'll receive an important life lesson from Jan-Michael Vincent this week after everyone in town starts calling you the boy who cried Airwolf.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
For whatever reason, lately it feels like your heart just isn't into pumping blood through its arteries and cardiac veins by repeated, rhythmic contractions.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Unwavering faith in a supreme, all-knowing being that controls the universe will help you to overcome a series of rational and seemingly insurmountable arguments this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The truth is, even if you were to throw away your complete collection of Hustler magazines, you'd still be left with a lot of issues.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Fed up with being exploited and mistreated at work, you'll finally take control of your life this Thursday and hand in your two-year notice of resignation.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The sight of an elderly man riding a child's merry-go-round in the rain will resonate deeply with you today as a metaphor for absolutely everything.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You'll be cured of a lifelong phobia this week after realizing that heights are just as scared of you as you are of them.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your incredible reflexes, hand-eye coordination, and taciturn manner will cause you to become known throughout the West as The Man Who Handcuffed Lightning But Was Afraid To Talk About His True Feelings.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Racial tensions will suddenly and fortunately be broken this week by the unexpected arrival of an Asian.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
While a persistent case of writer's block may have driven you right to the edge, it will continue to delay your suicide for months to come.
Past Horoscopes
October 7, 2008
Issue 44•41
Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Scorpio You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.