Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
A plastic surgeon and eight hours of reconstructive surgery will soon prove that you're not the only person in the world who's terrible with faces.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The winds of change will blow through town this week, leaving you a hatless victim of the increasingly turbulent times.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at a nearby motel every other Tuesday.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Out of the darkness will come a living-room chair you believed was at least a good two feet to your left.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The bells of freedom will ring across the land, leading first to excitement, then bitter disappointment for thousands who believed them to be the bells of dinner.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your big mouth will get you in trouble again this week, when it's found wrapped around the spinning blades of a lawn mower.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Though you're not a fan of their droning hymns, it does seem rude to gong an entire temple of Buddhist monks that many times.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Although it would certainly make you an immense fortune, a novelty can labeled "peanut brittle" which, upon opening, launches hydrochloric acid into an unsuspecting stranger's face, would probably get old after a while.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will experience personal growth this week, asymmetric and abnormal in nature, accumulating like grapefruits on your liver, lymph nodes, and spleen.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your body will be savaged and dehumanized an additional 11 times this Thursday after you tragically mistake your dog whistle for your rape whistle.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've never been one to toot your own horn, but that was before your girlfriend dumped you and the car accident dislocated your hips.
