Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
A plastic surgeon and eight hours of reconstructive surgery will soon prove that you're not the only person in the world who's terrible with faces.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The winds of change will blow through town this week, leaving you a hatless victim of the increasingly turbulent times.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at a nearby motel every other Tuesday.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Out of the darkness will come a living-room chair you believed was at least a good two feet to your left.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The bells of freedom will ring across the land, leading first to excitement, then bitter disappointment for thousands who believed them to be the bells of dinner.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your big mouth will get you in trouble again this week, when it's found wrapped around the spinning blades of a lawn mower.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Though you're not a fan of their droning hymns, it does seem rude to gong an entire temple of Buddhist monks that many times.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Although it would certainly make you an immense fortune, a novelty can labeled "peanut brittle" which, upon opening, launches hydrochloric acid into an unsuspecting stranger's face, would probably get old after a while.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will experience personal growth this week, asymmetric and abnormal in nature, accumulating like grapefruits on your liver, lymph nodes, and spleen.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your body will be savaged and dehumanized an additional 11 times this Thursday after you tragically mistake your dog whistle for your rape whistle.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You've never been one to toot your own horn, but that was before your girlfriend dumped you and the car accident dislocated your hips.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Many will feel guilty for having described you as a walking time bomb after you cut through your wrist's blue wires.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.