Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
A persistent and unrelenting cough, steadfast in its determination to persevere, will elegantly illustrate the precise qualities you lack in fighting off lung cancer.
Aries March 21 - April 19
While at first lighthearted and even fun, the mood will quickly turn this week when a road trip is taken too far.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The birth of your first child will bring about a newfound sense of responsibility in friends, family members, and child-protection officials.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably pretty low on the list.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
A gas-powered chainsaw will cut off circulation in both of your arms, each leg, and a rather large chunk of your midsection.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will remark, incorrectly, that the skinhead movement in America appears to be dying out, after visiting a Mississippi cancer ward this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A drunken attempt to take your anger out on a nearby yacht later this week will accidentally result in the vessel's christening.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will once again play the role of straight man this week to a long, tangled stretch of extension cord.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your forgetful tendencies will infuriate those closest to you this week when you walk out, back in, and right out again on your wife and kids.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Despite a lukewarm reaction from friends and family members, you still believe your life could someday make a great topic of conversation.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Launching a powerful laser pointer into space, an evil teenage mastermind will soon threaten to humiliate the world unless his demands are met.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A private discussion among friends this week will leave you deeply ashamed about the size of your severance package.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
It seems like only yesterday that you were a child, but that's primarily due to the rare genetic disorder progeria.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.