Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
A persistent and unrelenting cough, steadfast in its determination to persevere, will elegantly illustrate the precise qualities you lack in fighting off lung cancer.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
While at first lighthearted and even fun, the mood will quickly turn this week when a road trip is taken too far.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The birth of your first child will bring about a newfound sense of responsibility in friends, family members, and child-protection officials.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably pretty low on the list.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A gas-powered chainsaw will cut off circulation in both of your arms, each leg, and a rather large chunk of your midsection.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will remark, incorrectly, that the skinhead movement in America appears to be dying out, after visiting a Mississippi cancer ward this week.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
A drunken attempt to take your anger out on a nearby yacht later this week will accidentally result in the vessel's christening.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will once again play the role of straight man this week to a long, tangled stretch of extension cord.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your forgetful tendencies will infuriate those closest to you this week when you walk out, back in, and right out again on your wife and kids.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Despite a lukewarm reaction from friends and family members, you still believe your life could someday make a great topic of conversation.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Launching a powerful laser pointer into space, an evil teenage mastermind will soon threaten to humiliate the world unless his demands are met.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A private discussion among friends this week will leave you deeply ashamed about the size of your severance package.
