Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
Tired of the nickname, you'll take to slashing the bodies of young women by the banks of a less embarrassing-sounding river.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your protest against the use of water cannons, tear gas, and rubber bullets to subdue unruly activists will succeed when riot-police officers simply kick the living shit out of you.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
An attempt to better market yourself will have lifelong repercussions after an ill-advised promotional giveaway off of Route 39.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Standing before the statues of its once-great leaders, you will marvel at the colossal feats of Ancient Greece, amazed that an entire civilization of amputees was able to achieve so much.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
While you've managed to get away with it for years, your hectic schedule of burning the town at both ends will soon catch up to you.
Leo July 23 - August 22
As a writer you've struggled to capture the essence of Gary, Indiana, but as a perfume maker it's been a walk in the park.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
While the music will make your body move, it's the dance club's strobe lights that will make your body groove.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Years of training as a Boy Scout will lead you to escort an elderly woman across the street and take sexual advantage of her defenseless body in a nearby alleyway.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
This week a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You'll realize you've lost touch with today's youth when members of your own family start referring to you as "Grandpa."
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them your husband beat you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You'll dodge a bullet this week when a shotgun slug is fired into your abdomen, piercing both kidneys, shredding your lower intestine, pancreas, and spleen, and puncturing your right lung, before miraculously missing your heart by mere centimeters.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be singled out among many worthy candidates for your eye-catching looks, unmistakable presence and the fact that you murdered a homeless man in the early hours of Sept. 19.
Past Horoscopes
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Aries You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Gemini Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Leo You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Sagittarius When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.