Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Tired of the nickname, you'll take to slashing the bodies of young women by the banks of a less embarrassing-sounding river.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your protest against the use of water cannons, tear gas, and rubber bullets to subdue unruly activists will succeed when riot-police officers simply kick the living shit out of you.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
An attempt to better market yourself will have lifelong repercussions after an ill-advised promotional giveaway off of Route 39.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Standing before the statues of its once-great leaders, you will marvel at the colossal feats of Ancient Greece, amazed that an entire civilization of amputees was able to achieve so much.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While you've managed to get away with it for years, your hectic schedule of burning the town at both ends will soon catch up to you.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
As a writer you've struggled to capture the essence of Gary, Indiana, but as a perfume maker it's been a walk in the park.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
While the music will make your body move, it's the dance club's strobe lights that will make your body groove.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Years of training as a Boy Scout will lead you to escort an elderly woman across the street and take sexual advantage of her defenseless body in a nearby alleyway.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
This week a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll realize you've lost touch with today's youth when members of your own family start referring to you as "Grandpa."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them your husband beat you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll dodge a bullet this week when a shotgun slug is fired into your abdomen, piercing both kidneys, shredding your lower intestine, pancreas, and spleen, and puncturing your right lung, before miraculously missing your heart by mere centimeters.
