Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Dozens will be hospitalized this week after a bar brawl breaks out over a particularly divisive trivia question regarding the migratory patterns of monarch butterflies.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your repeated cries for help will be drowned out this week by a 300-pound man, a coarse length of rope, and a metal basin filled with water.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
While everyone expresses affection in their own unique way, your approach of communicating it through plainspoken words and genuine sentiment is really starting to freak people out.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Unlike everything else in your life, you will take news this week of your skyrocketing cholesterol levels with a grain of salt.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You've never stood in the way of stem-cell research, and you never will, after next week's car wreck.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
While it’s been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you’ll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The innocence and purity of children will teach you a valuable lesson this week about your state's age-of-consent laws.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
After a month of worry, you'll be mistakenly relieved this week after hearing that all your medical tests came out positive.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Although you'll ultimately lose after 30 hard-fought minutes, many will remember you as "the man who brought out the very best in those defibrillators."
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
For the fifth straight night, you'll have that recurring sleep in which you crawl into bed around 11 p.m., turn off the lights, and wake up the next morning feeling rested and refreshed.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll fail to appreciate the reunion of caustic pranksters The Jerky Boys during this Thursday's 20-minute impromptu phone call.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Repeated miscarriages, while emotionally devastating, will leave you with an extensive backlog of dozens of beautiful baby names.
