Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Although you still believe it to be a good deed, you will nonetheless grow increasingly jealous of the Habitat For Humanity home you're helping to build.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A collection of self-penned portmanteaus, the construction of which you've always thought rather clever, will offend hundreds of biracial individuals this Thursday.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
While all may be fair in love and war, many will come out against your egregious use of nerve gas in both.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
No matter how much time passes, you'll never be able to bring yourself to forgive those who have called you unforgiving.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You never thought you had it in you, nor that you'd have the courage to follow through even if you did, but you'll totally surprise yourself with next Thursday's abortion.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will see yourself in a whole new light this week while desperately failing to locate a single vein inside that downtown McDonald's bathroom.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
A sinking sense of your own mortality will set in this week after you completely fail to recognize a Simpsons rerun on television.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The alignment of the stars and the planets can only mean one thing this week: You're looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Badly hurt and in crippling pain, you will see the last 12 seconds of your life flash before your eyes this week.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You're nervous, your palms are sweaty, and your stomach is full of knots, but don't worry: Chances are she's feeling the exact same first-date-rape jitters as you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A freak electrical fire will break out at a nearby hospital this week, expanding the facility's burn ward tenfold.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though you will mean to tell a group of friends about the appetizing sirloin steak you had for lunch, a Freudian slip this week will instead reveal how you tortured those four underage women in an old abandoned shack by the highway.
