At the AV Club: Bong Joon-Ho

Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

March 9, 2010

Aries You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.

March 2, 2010

Taurus Remember: God means something different to everyone, but only you, and those who agree with you, are right.

February 16, 2010

Gemini Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.

February 9, 2010

Cancer The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don't be alarmed: They're mostly just bored.

February 2, 2010

Leo The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.

January 26, 2010

Virgo You'll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it's the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs.

January 19, 2010

Libra Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.

January 12, 2010

Scorpio Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.

January 5, 2010

Sagittarius Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.

See All Horoscopes

October 25, 2006 | Issue 42•43

Your Birthday Today

Although you still believe it to be a good deed, you will nonetheless grow increasingly jealous of the Habitat For Humanity home you're helping to build.

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

A collection of self-penned portmanteaus, the construction of which you've always thought rather clever, will offend hundreds of biracial individuals this Thursday.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

While all may be fair in love and war, many will come out against your egregious use of nerve gas in both.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

No matter how much time passes, you'll never be able to bring yourself to forgive those who have called you unforgiving.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

You never thought you had it in you, nor that you'd have the courage to follow through even if you did, but you'll totally surprise yourself with next Thursday's abortion.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

You will see yourself in a whole new light this week while desperately failing to locate a single vein inside that downtown McDonald's bathroom.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

A sinking sense of your own mortality will set in this week after you completely fail to recognize a Simpsons rerun on television.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

The alignment of the stars and the planets can only mean one thing this week: You're looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Badly hurt and in crippling pain, you will see the last 12 seconds of your life flash before your eyes this week.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You're nervous, your palms are sweaty, and your stomach is full of knots, but don't worry: Chances are she's feeling the exact same first-date-rape jitters as you.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

A freak electrical fire will break out at a nearby hospital this week, expanding the facility's burn ward tenfold.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Though you will mean to tell a group of friends about the appetizing sirloin steak you had for lunch, a Freudian slip this week will instead reveal how you tortured those four underage women in an old abandoned shack by the highway.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Check with Pisces in two weeks for a more detailed and accurate prediction of next week's events.

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