The Onion

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Science Disproves Vampires

Florida physics professor Costas Efthimiou has devised a simple mathematical proof stating that vampires cannot exist. What do you think?

Old Man

Michael Poole,
Bog Limnologist
“So I've been sleeping all day in a coffin, hanging upside down in a cave lair, and drinking human blood for nothing?”

Young Woman

Bobbi Delaney,
Fabricator
“I wish I had tenure. If I spent all my time in the warehouse thinking up crap like that, I'd get canned in a heartbeat.”

Asian Man

Gavin Jacobson,
Machinist
“This news will likely hit The Count the hardest. Destroyed by the very numbers he loves.”

All American Voices

Personal of the Day