Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
After years of struggling to write The Great American Novel, months of struggling to write The Great American Novella, and weeks of struggling to write The Great American Short Story, you will finally break down and spend a few minutes writing The Great American Suicide Letter.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Days after the plane crash, surrounded by the skeletal remains of hundreds of former passengers, you'll be overcome by a phenomenon known as "survivor's indigestion."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Everyone brags about their kids, but remember, the law named after your daughter has only been adopted in 48 out of 50 states.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Apple Computer will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
As grim as the situation may at first appear, the death toll will be surprisingly low after a school bus runs head-on into a local bloodmobile this week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Skeptic James Randi will award you a check for $1,000,000 next week, after you are observed thoroughly enjoying that new Brad Garrett sitcom.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
They can take your wife, they can even take away your children, but they're going to need a much bigger hearse to do it all at once.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your 25-year high school reunion this week will reveal how little the Class of '83, and its bitter struggle with math, has changed over time.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Friends will once again claim this week that you should've been born during a different time, particularly one where pregnant women weren't ingesting Thalidomide as frequently.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Sagittarius apologizes for the last couple of weeks, man... it's just that it's been so busy and all lately. Anyway, um, horoscope... um, you'll have a heart attack. Shit. Sorry.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The dismal opening-night receipts of Taco Gorillas From Outer Space will teach you an important lesson about composing operettas while stoned.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will bury yourself in your work this week, which would not be a problem if you weren't a gravedigger.
