Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
You've gone to great lengths to get out of jury duty before, but falsely confessing to three counts of vehicular manslaughter will top all previous efforts.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
While your dream of opening your very own coffee shop will ultimately fail, you'll still succeed in doing what few ever could by opening your very own wrists.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've never really imagined yourself as the committed type, but a state-appointed psychiatrist will soon prove you wrong.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will fly into a blind, towering, destructive, psychotic, and ultimately murderous rage this week over the excessive use of adjectives in today's popular writing.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Although you often say that suffering a stroke is nothing to laugh about, the way your tongue swashes about helplessly as you struggle to form the words only hurts your case.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your paranoid ramblings will once again give the seven government agents who gather each morning at a subterranean, state-of-the-art civilian surveillance facility a good laugh.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Despite having certain doubts and nagging suspicions about the matter, you'd never go so far as to call yourself a Holocaust "denier."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You may be dishonest, deceitful, and even untrustworthy, but the one thing you're not is someone who tells the truth.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Ever since you can remember, you've always been the curious sort, forever asking about the accident you were in, how many months have passed since, and when, if ever, your long-term memory will return.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
It's been years since you last spoke to your father, but with the game going into double overtime you have no other choice but to wait a little longer.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Confirming your suspicions, a study this week will reveal that 86 percent of all human suffering takes place while waiting in line.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Dead bodies, stumbled upon at regular intervals, will help you to keep track of your progress while hiking.
