Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
You've gone to great lengths to get out of jury duty before, but falsely confessing to three counts of vehicular manslaughter will top all previous efforts.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
While your dream of opening your very own coffee shop will ultimately fail, you'll still succeed in doing what few ever could by opening your very own wrists.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've never really imagined yourself as the committed type, but a state-appointed psychiatrist will soon prove you wrong.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will fly into a blind, towering, destructive, psychotic, and ultimately murderous rage this week over the excessive use of adjectives in today's popular writing.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Although you often say that suffering a stroke is nothing to laugh about, the way your tongue swashes about helplessly as you struggle to form the words only hurts your case.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your paranoid ramblings will once again give the seven government agents who gather each morning at a subterranean, state-of-the-art civilian surveillance facility a good laugh.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Despite having certain doubts and nagging suspicions about the matter, you'd never go so far as to call yourself a Holocaust "denier."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You may be dishonest, deceitful, and even untrustworthy, but the one thing you're not is someone who tells the truth.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Ever since you can remember, you've always been the curious sort, forever asking about the accident you were in, how many months have passed since, and when, if ever, your long-term memory will return.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
It's been years since you last spoke to your father, but with the game going into double overtime you have no other choice but to wait a little longer.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Confirming your suspicions, a study this week will reveal that 86 percent of all human suffering takes place while waiting in line.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Dead bodies, stumbled upon at regular intervals, will help you to keep track of your progress while hiking.
