Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
While everyone is certainly entitled to their opinion of how you run your life, the bullhorn they've been using does seem a bit much.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The good news is that you won't die alone, as you've always feared. The bad news, however, is that it's because you'll be pregnant at the time.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Tens of thousands will applaud your invention next week of a larger and more convincing applause sign.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Whimpering softly at the end of a narrow hallway, you'll soon become acquainted with both definitions of the verb "to defile."
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars are serious this time: If they ever catch you with those fucking tea leaves again, you can kiss the last 15 years goodbye.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your towering throne of skulls might be impressive and all, but what's the point of being king if there's no one left to rule over?
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Years of sweat and toil will finally pay off when your first novel is welcomed as a challenging and important work by cryptographers around the world.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
An attempt to describe the concept of infinity to friends this Thursday will succeed in spite of your nonsensical rambling.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
If you had any balls at all, you'd quit that pathetic sobbing and just take the castration like a real man.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
While you claim that the suspense of your test results is slowly killing you, it's in fact a pulmonary embolism that's doing the job.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your four-year degree from an Ivy League school will quickly propel you to the top of many collection agency lists.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
