Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
While everyone is certainly entitled to their opinion of how you run your life, the bullhorn they've been using does seem a bit much.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The good news is that you won't die alone, as you've always feared. The bad news, however, is that it's because you'll be pregnant at the time.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Tens of thousands will applaud your invention next week of a larger and more convincing applause sign.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Whimpering softly at the end of a narrow hallway, you'll soon become acquainted with both definitions of the verb "to defile."
Cancer June 22 - July 22
The stars are serious this time: If they ever catch you with those fucking tea leaves again, you can kiss the last 15 years goodbye.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your towering throne of skulls might be impressive and all, but what's the point of being king if there's no one left to rule over?
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Years of sweat and toil will finally pay off when your first novel is welcomed as a challenging and important work by cryptographers around the world.
Libra September 23 - October 23
An attempt to describe the concept of infinity to friends this Thursday will succeed in spite of your nonsensical rambling.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
If you had any balls at all, you'd quit that pathetic sobbing and just take the castration like a real man.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
While you claim that the suspense of your test results is slowly killing you, it's in fact a pulmonary embolism that's doing the job.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your four-year degree from an Ivy League school will quickly propel you to the top of many collection agency lists.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Some may call you idealistic, even naïve, but more and more you're beginning to believe that every lack of a vote can make a difference.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.