Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
The discovery of two scoliotic spines this week will bring you one step closer to completing that rocking chair of skulls.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Next week's appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist will start with some positive news about your ears and your nose.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
While the transformation and its implications may be difficult to accept, there's no longer any sense in denying it: You are now more beatbox than human.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Many will disapprove of your decision, but after carefully weighing the options, you'll once again go with the thinner woman.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll claim to have only been following doctor's orders, but jury members will still convict you of assisting in a series of barbaric musculoskeletal medical experiments.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
They say that a baby changes everything, and while you'll feel a little more pressure, in the end the game is still five-card stud.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, you will once again manage to talk your way out of sounding interesting this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your body will be so battered and bloodied that police investigators will suspect necrophiliacs of having carried out the rape.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Dozens of low-income and at-risk families will suffer this week after you put another housing project off to the last minute.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Riding in a golf cart with snow cone in hand, you'll be tackled by two police officers this week after matching a composite caricature of a suspected murderer.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll be praised as a true original and an innovator of the art form after shooting a film whose plot unfolds in chronological order.
