Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
For the fifth month in a row, you will be forced to deal with your abandonment issues completely alone.
Aries March 21 - April 19
While others frequently refer to you as a sex machine, the label is sadly based on your cold, almost mechanical execution of the physical act.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Although doctors will suspect a brain tumor to be behind all the swelling, they won't know for sure until a wider MRI tube is built.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your correspondence course in applied chemistry will be terminated this week after the violent demise of nearly two dozen mailmen.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will finally leave your boyfriend this week after learning that he's been physically and emotionally abusing some other girl on the side.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A head-on collision with a bright red 18-wheeler will all but end this Thursday's game of "I Spy."
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You can cry all you like, but it's not going to bring back the 56-ounce carton of ice cream you just ate.
Libra September 23 - October 23
While alternate-side-of-the-street restrictions may ultimately help, it's probably not the most effective way of dealing with your town's recent wave of curbings.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll be amazed by the amount of progress you've made since entering therapy.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The stars strongly sense the presence of cantaloupe, honeydew melon, and possibly even some pineapple in this Tuesday's bowl of fruit salad.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will find yourself siding with Islamic extremists this week after an eco-terrorist organization claims responsibility for several car bombings.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Hundreds of miners will lose their lives this week in a series of tragic and unforeseen lung collapses.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Researchers this week will trace years of unjust and painful suffering among thousands of Americans to a pretty common skin condition.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.