Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
For the fifth month in a row, you will be forced to deal with your abandonment issues completely alone.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
While others frequently refer to you as a sex machine, the label is sadly based on your cold, almost mechanical execution of the physical act.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Although doctors will suspect a brain tumor to be behind all the swelling, they won't know for sure until a wider MRI tube is built.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your correspondence course in applied chemistry will be terminated this week after the violent demise of nearly two dozen mailmen.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will finally leave your boyfriend this week after learning that he's been physically and emotionally abusing some other girl on the side.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A head-on collision with a bright red 18-wheeler will all but end this Thursday's game of "I Spy."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You can cry all you like, but it's not going to bring back the 56-ounce carton of ice cream you just ate.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
While alternate-side-of-the-street restrictions may ultimately help, it's probably not the most effective way of dealing with your town's recent wave of curbings.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll be amazed by the amount of progress you've made since entering therapy.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars strongly sense the presence of cantaloupe, honeydew melon, and possibly even some pineapple in this Tuesday's bowl of fruit salad.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will find yourself siding with Islamic extremists this week after an eco-terrorist organization claims responsibility for several car bombings.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Hundreds of miners will lose their lives this week in a series of tragic and unforeseen lung collapses.
