Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Anger at the world this week will once again magically transform a plate of baked potatoes into a plate of mashed potatoes.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll get carried away this Thursday after one too many drinks, and by four too many men.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You and your family will fall victim to a freak 40-car pileup during a short-lived tour of the new Nissan plant.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll be amazed this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll be rushed into the operating room this week after troubled doctors decide your cosmetic surgery can't wait any longer.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Remember: Children who are not developmentally disabled, nor born with severe birth defects or chromosomal abnormalities, are our future.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
If there's one thing you're guilty of in this life, it's committing six counts of third-degree assault with a deadly weapon.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they come up with a cure for stupidity.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll be discovered this week by the director of the hit musical Stomp! during a drunken, borderline-psychotic outburst.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Following years of wrestling with the spiritual dilemma, you'll learn the hard way this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
