Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Anger at the world this week will once again magically transform a plate of baked potatoes into a plate of mashed potatoes.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll get carried away this Thursday after one too many drinks, and by four too many men.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You and your family will fall victim to a freak 40-car pileup during a short-lived tour of the new Nissan plant.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll be amazed this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll be rushed into the operating room this week after troubled doctors decide your cosmetic surgery can't wait any longer.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Remember: Children who are not developmentally disabled, nor born with severe birth defects or chromosomal abnormalities, are our future.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
If there's one thing you're guilty of in this life, it's committing six counts of third-degree assault with a deadly weapon.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they come up with a cure for stupidity.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll be discovered this week by the director of the hit musical Stomp! during a drunken, borderline-psychotic outburst.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Following years of wrestling with the spiritual dilemma, you'll learn the hard way this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
