Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
Anger at the world this week will once again magically transform a plate of baked potatoes into a plate of mashed potatoes.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You'll get carried away this Thursday after one too many drinks, and by four too many men.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You and your family will fall victim to a freak 40-car pileup during a short-lived tour of the new Nissan plant.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You'll be amazed this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You'll be rushed into the operating room this week after troubled doctors decide your cosmetic surgery can't wait any longer.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Remember: Children who are not developmentally disabled, nor born with severe birth defects or chromosomal abnormalities, are our future.
Libra September 23 - October 23
If there's one thing you're guilty of in this life, it's committing six counts of third-degree assault with a deadly weapon.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they come up with a cure for stupidity.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You'll be discovered this week by the director of the hit musical Stomp! during a drunken, borderline-psychotic outburst.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Following years of wrestling with the spiritual dilemma, you'll learn the hard way this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
After everything that's happened to you in the last year, it's amazing how modest you can still be about the spread of cancer in your body.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.