Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
While experimenting with sex is perfectly normal for someone your age, experimenting with different types of electrical current and diode clamps is not.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You claim that nobody understands your pain, but then how could they with you writhing around on the ground and shrieking unintelligibly all the time?
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Years of treating your body like a temple will backfire this Thursday when savage hordes of Turkish soldiers ruthlessly plunder its depths.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember: There's nothing you can't change if you just put your mind to it, and no mind you can't change if you just put your fists to it.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will be charged with 1,348 counts of soliciting a minor by Thought Police officers this Thursday.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've always been above petty sibling squabbles, but that was before your brother started getting preferential cancer treatment.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Sometimes it feels like all you do at work is clean up other people's shit, which isn't surprising considering you're employed full-time as a janitor.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Tired of the limitations of small-town life, you'll soon move to the city in search of bigger and better spare change.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will once again make yourself sick over the smallest of possible ingested foods and liquids this week.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The image of the Virgin Mary will appear to you this week, completely obscuring your wife's sweat-streaked face in bed.
