Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
While experimenting with sex is perfectly normal for someone your age, experimenting with different types of electrical current and diode clamps is not.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You claim that nobody understands your pain, but then how could they with you writhing around on the ground and shrieking unintelligibly all the time?
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Years of treating your body like a temple will backfire this Thursday when savage hordes of Turkish soldiers ruthlessly plunder its depths.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember: There's nothing you can't change if you just put your mind to it, and no mind you can't change if you just put your fists to it.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will be charged with 1,348 counts of soliciting a minor by Thought Police officers this Thursday.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've always been above petty sibling squabbles, but that was before your brother started getting preferential cancer treatment.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Sometimes it feels like all you do at work is clean up other people's shit, which isn't surprising considering you're employed full-time as a janitor.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Tired of the limitations of small-town life, you'll soon move to the city in search of bigger and better spare change.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will once again make yourself sick over the smallest of possible ingested foods and liquids this week.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The image of the Virgin Mary will appear to you this week, completely obscuring your wife's sweat-streaked face in bed.
