Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
While experimenting with sex is perfectly normal for someone your age, experimenting with different types of electrical current and diode clamps is not.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You claim that nobody understands your pain, but then how could they with you writhing around on the ground and shrieking unintelligibly all the time?
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Years of treating your body like a temple will backfire this Thursday when savage hordes of Turkish soldiers ruthlessly plunder its depths.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember: There's nothing you can't change if you just put your mind to it, and no mind you can't change if you just put your fists to it.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will be charged with 1,348 counts of soliciting a minor by Thought Police officers this Thursday.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've always been above petty sibling squabbles, but that was before your brother started getting preferential cancer treatment.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Sometimes it feels like all you do at work is clean up other people's shit, which isn't surprising considering you're employed full-time as a janitor.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Tired of the limitations of small-town life, you'll soon move to the city in search of bigger and better spare change.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will once again make yourself sick over the smallest of possible ingested foods and liquids this week.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The image of the Virgin Mary will appear to you this week, completely obscuring your wife's sweat-streaked face in bed.
