Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
While experimenting with sex is perfectly normal for someone your age, experimenting with different types of electrical current and diode clamps is not.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You claim that nobody understands your pain, but then how could they with you writhing around on the ground and shrieking unintelligibly all the time?
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Years of treating your body like a temple will backfire this Thursday when savage hordes of Turkish soldiers ruthlessly plunder its depths.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Remember: There's nothing you can't change if you just put your mind to it, and no mind you can't change if you just put your fists to it.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will be charged with 1,348 counts of soliciting a minor by Thought Police officers this Thursday.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You've always been above petty sibling squabbles, but that was before your brother started getting preferential cancer treatment.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Sometimes it feels like all you do at work is clean up other people's shit, which isn't surprising considering you're employed full-time as a janitor.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Tired of the limitations of small-town life, you'll soon move to the city in search of bigger and better spare change.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will once again make yourself sick over the smallest of possible ingested foods and liquids this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The image of the Virgin Mary will appear to you this week, completely obscuring your wife's sweat-streaked face in bed.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
They say there's nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.