DOMESTIC ABUSE NO LONGER A PROBLEM
Script/Idea: Dan Mirk
This Draft: 5-3 (DM)
INT. ONION NEWS STUDIO
A male anchor sits behind the desk.
GRAPHIC: An icon of a house with a jagged split down the
middle (a "broken home"). A big question mark is behind it.
*ALTERNATE:
GRAPHIC: An icon of "bathroom-sign" style stick figures
showing a man hitting a woman.
TEXT: Study: Domestic Abuse No Longer a Problem
ANCHOR
Domestic abuse has long been
thought to affect some three
million women in the US each year.
But a new study from the National
Research Center for Women and
Families indicates that rates of
domestic abuse have now dropped to
zero.
*ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
A new study from the National
Research Center for Women and
Families finds that rates of
domestic abuse have dropped from
approximately three million cases
last year to zero this year.
INT. CONFERENCE HALL - STAGE
A large room with a stage, like a college lecture hall.
Though we never see an audience, the characters on stage
should behave as though addressing a large crowd.
FOWLER, a well-dressed, 30-40 year old female researcher
stands behind a podium on stage speaking into a microphone.
She has a black eye. Besides the black eye, she acts like any
confident and well-spoken researcher.
LOWER THIRD: Mallory Fowler, Domestic Abuse Study Coordinator
FOWLER
The findings are clear: Domestic
abuse just isn't the problem we
thought it was.
ANCHOR (V.O.)
According to the report, many cases
previously mistaken for domestic
abuse had other, perfectly
understandable explanations, such
as rickety staircases, slippery
showers, and poorly-placed
doorknobs.
*ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
According to the report, 100% of
cases previously thought to be
domestic abuse had other, perfectly
understandable explanations, such
as rickety staircases, slippery
showers, and poorly-placed
doorknobs.
GRAPHICS (still pictures) appear as he lists them: A stick
figure of a woman falling down stairs. A stick figure of a
woman slipping in the shower. A stick figure of a woman
falling into a door, her face colliding with the oddly-placed
knob. The graphics all convey how awkwardly unlikely these
things are.
INT. CONFERENCE HALL - STAGE
B-ROLL: A wide shot of the stage. A large graph is displayed
on a screen in the background. A woman with a cast on her
arm speaks into a microphone and gestures to the graph.
Behind her and to the side of the screen is a line of 7-10
other female researchers. All are visibly battered.
B-ROLL: Pan over the line of battered researchers.
ANCHOR (V.O.)
The research team presented their
findings at the National Research
Center's semi-annual conference
yesterday.
GRAPHICS: Close up of the line graph that's being displayed
on the screen.
It shows cases of domestic abuse hovering around 3 million
each year, then suddenly dropping off straight downward to
zero cases in 2007.
*ALTERNATE:
Fade to a second line graph showing a sharp increase in
"Clumsiness."
ANCHOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It finds a 100% drop in reports of
in-home violence. The researchers
are so confident in the study that
they have denied a grant from the
Oregon Department of Social
Services to do a follow- up report.
INT. CONFERENCE HALL - A CORNER
The conference is over. Extras in academic clothes mill past
in the background.
Interview with BESSLER, one of the researchers: Plain
looking, 30-40s. She has a broken nose.
LOWER THIRD: Wendy Bessler, Head Researcher.
BESSLER
Studies are extremely expensive to
conduct, and we're sure there are
better uses for the money than
talking to a bunch of confused
neighbors and children with
overactive imaginations.
INT. ONION NEWS STUDIO
ANCHOR
Next up, a kitten wins the Honolulu
cliff diving championship.
END
*ALTERNATE:
FOWLER
Most women are very happy. Now if
only we weren't so clumsy
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