BULLSHIT NUMBER ONE ISSUE
Script/Idea: Jack Kukoda
5/7/07 (CLK)
INT. ONION NEWS STUDIO
ANCHOR
As the 2008 presidential race heats
up, a new survey finds that, again
this year, the number one issue
among voters is Bullshit.
ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
As the 2008 presidential race heats
up, a new survey finds that,
despite the war in Iraq, climate
change, and X, but bullshit will
again be the most important issue
for voters.
GRAPHIC: A pie chart divided into categories - Iraq: 28%.
Abortion: 11%. Gun Control: 11%. Gay Rights: 6%. Religious
Affiliation: 5% Political Experience: 1% Leadership Ability:
.0001%, Bullshit: 34%.
CHYRON: Issues Important to Voters - Courtesy Pew Research
Center.
LOWER THIRD: Bullshit Still Number One Issue Among Voters /
Road To 2008
ANCHOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Though the war in Iraq has gained
some ground since the last
election, bullshit needed issues
will likely be the deciding factor
for more than a third of likely
voters next year.
ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
But according to the study Billshit
related issues will be the most
important factor in choosing a
candidate for more than a third of
likely voters Bullshit polled 6
points higher than the second most
important issue, the war in Iraq.
INT. ONION NETWORK NEWS STUDIOS
ANCHOR
Joining us to discuss the survey is
Director of Political Polling at
the Pew Research Center, James
Mair.
ANGLE ON: ANCHOR and JAMES MAIR, a professional, slightly
bookish looking man in his 40's. He speaks with an air of
confidence, but not cockiness. He knows his stuff.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
James, we all know Bullshit is the
deciding factor in most elections--
and this poll says this election
will be no different.
JAMES
Right. The reality is that non
bullshit political issues are often
complex, confusing and quite
frankly, very boring.
ANCHOR
Of course.
JAMES
So when it comes to choosing a
leader of the Free World, voters
look to issues like a candidate's
relationship with his ex-wife, if
they smoke, or where they vacation,
and what their exercise regimen is.
Those are the kinds of core
bullshit issues that voters can get
their minds around. [ALT: that
voters relate to. ALT: That voters
care about.]
ANCHOR
According to your research, what
will be the top Bullshit issues for
2008?
JAMES
It's hard to say, because it's a
broad and inclusive category.
Thanks to the internet, there are
now literally thousands of websites
full of Bullshit about every single
candidate, where voters can discuss
that Bullshit in message boards
with others across the country who
care about the same sort of
Bullshit.
ANCHOR
Yes, I've noticed that there's an
incredible amount of bullshit being
discussed on our news blog, as
well.
ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
Yes, I've noticed more and more
bullshit stories in our broadcasts,
as well.
JAMES
But I'd have to say which people
[ALT: celebrities] the candidate
has been photographed standing next
to remains one of the top bullshit
issues.
ANCHOR
And more specifically, people
they've been photographed shaking
hands with.
ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
And more specifically, former
presidents they've been
photographed shaking hands with.
ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
And more specifically,
controversial figures they've been
photographed shaking hands with,
perhaps someone who was later
convicted of a crime.
JAMES
Yes. Also information about which
Hollywood actors support the
candidate continues to be one of
the major nexuses for bullshit in
the campaign for voters this year.
ANCHOR
In the past, whether the candidates
are photogenic has been of key
importance.
JAMES
Yes, that's a constant factor for
anyone who cares about bullshit in
politics. And of course what a
candidate wears at a public
appearance-- that's crucial to the
bullshit conscious voter.
FOOTAGE: Kerry rolling up his sleeves.
ANCHOR
You mean, where a candidate wears a
hard hat at a factory and talk
about the local union, or when they
wear blue jeans in a rural area?
GRAPHIC: A graphic says
"Bullshit Breakdown" and lists important bullshit issues:
Bullshit Breakdown / Candidate Info Voters Want To Know: /
Contents of iPod. / Unpaid parking tickets / Favorite Movies
/ Level of Spousal Public Affection / Type of Car / Good
Tipper? / Type of Casual Attire
JAMES
Yes, this type of local, crowd
pandering Bullshit is something
many voters are passionate about.
So those are factors that will
always be important, but we tend to
be more interested in the variable
bullshit. The newer bullshit issues
that can swing a race last minute.
ANCHOR
Such as?
JAMES
Irrelevant slip ups and minor
wording flubs a candidate might
make in a speech.
ANCHOR
Ah yes.
JAMES
One Bullshit category growing in
importance is the Bullshit OTHER
people have to say in reaction to a
given candidate's bullshit -- the
bullshit ABOUT bullshit perpetuated
daily by people such as you and me.
Bullshit begets Bullshit.
ANCHOR
How can we in the news media do a
better job of focusing on bullshit
and really hounding candidates on
petty issues.
ALTERNATE:
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
How can we in the news media do a
better job of focusing on bullshit.
Could we fill up more hours with
bullshit?
JAMES
Send your reporters to cover the
candidates' bullshit public
appearances, instead of their
separate votes or substantive
address. Ask the candidates
bullshit questions. Force them to
address bullshit issues. But the
truth is you're already doing a
great job. Without the media, both
there'd be far less bullshit in
these elections.
FOOTAGE: Hillary Clinton visiting an ice cream eating contest
or some other bullshit public appearance.
ANCHOR
Yes, well, here's an example of
some bullshit Hillary Clinton has
on her campaign website:
GRAPHIC: Hillary's website. Highlight text of the statement.
He reads it:
ANCHOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Bullshit has been an important part
of my life for many years and will
be a guiding factor in my
presidency. My pledge to America
is complete transparency in when I
wear high heels and when I wear
flats, and how many of my friends
in college may or may not have been
lesbians.
NOTE: find the old details from this web site that were in
earlier drafts.
JAMES
That reminds me. What people the
candidates went to college with
have to say about them -- were they
nice? Did they go to parties? These
are all significant bullshit
issues, and I'd expect to hear a
lot more about them in the days and
months to come.
ANCHOR
Before you go, care to make a
prediction for November 2008?
JAMES
Well, no party has a monopoly on
Bullshit. So it's anyone's race. It
just comes down to who will unveil
a comprehensive bullshit policy
that can trounce the competition.
ALTERNATE:
JAMES (CONT'D)
Well, at this point it's anyone's
race. But at the end of day, the
candidate who doesn't just talk
about bullshit but seems to LIVE it
-- that's the one who the voters
are likely to come out for. So
we'll see.
ANCHOR
Thank you for joining us. Up next:
ALTERNATE:
WHILE WATCHING FOOTAGE:
JAMES
Well, Hillary has it tough in part
because her husband was such a
master of bullshit.
ALTERNATE:
JAMES (CONT'D)
One thing stands out: among thiese
candidates there's no Reagan, no
LBJ, no FDR. All these candidates
are still finding their footing
when it comes to bullshit.
ALTERNATE:
JAMES (CONT'D)
Of course, bullshit is crucial in
any kind of politics, but
presidential elections emphasize
bullshit that to such an extreme
that it's difficult for many
candidates to find their footing.
Rest assured that by the time the
primaries are over, whatever two
candidates are left standing will
be spewing bullshit like they were
born to do it.
BULLSHIT NUMBER ONE ISSUE
Script/Idea: Jack Kukoda
5/2/07 (CLK)
INT. ONION NEWS STUDIO
ANCHOR
As the 2008 presidential race heats
up, a new survey finds that, again
this year, the number one issue
among voters is Bullshit.
GRAPHIC: A pie chart divided into categories - Iraq: 28%.
Abortion: 11%. Gun Control: 11%. Gay Rights: 6%. Religious
Affiliation: 5% Political Experience: 1% Leadership Ability:
.0001%, Bullshit: 34%.
CHYRON: Issues Important to Voters - Courtesy Pew Research
Center.
LOWER THIRD: Bullshit Still Number One Issue Among Voters /
Road To 2008
ANCHOR (V/O) (CONT'D)
Though the war in Iraq has gained
some ground since the last
election, various bullshit issues
will likely be the deciding factor
for a third of voters next year.
INT. ONION NETWORK NEWS STUDIOS
ANCHOR
Joining us to discuss the survey is
Director of Political Polling at
the Pew Research Center, James
Mair.
ANGLE ON: ANCHOR and JAMES MAIR, a professional, slightly
bookish looking man in his 40's. He speaks with an air of
confidence, but not cockiness. He knows his stuff.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
James, we all know Bullshit is the
deciding factor in most elections--
and this poll says this election
will be no different.
Right.
The reality is that non-bullshit
political issues are often complex,
confusing... and quite frankly,
very boring.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
Of course.
JAMES
So it's only natural that when it
comes to choosing a leader of the
Free World, voters look to issues
like a candidate's relationship
with his ex-wife, if they smoke, or
where they vacation, and what their
exercise regimen is. That kind of
real bullshit that voters can get
their minds around.
ANCHOR
In your opinion, what will be the
top Bullshit issues for 2008?
JAMES
It's hard to say. Thanks to the
internet, there are now literally
thousands websites full of Bullshit
about every single candidate, where
voters can discuss that Bullshit in
message boards with others across
the country who care about the same
sort of Bullshit.
ANCHOR
Yes, there's an incredible amount
of bullshit being discussed on our
news blog, as well.
JAMES
I'd have to say which people the
candidate has been photographed
standing next to remains one of the
top bullshit issues.
ANCHOR
And more specifically, people
they've been photographed shaking
hands with.
JAMES
Yes. Also information about which
celebrities support the candidate
will be a big bullshit factor for
voters this year.
ANCHOR
Surely, whether or not they look
good on camera is still of key
importance.
JAMES
Yes, that's a constant factor for
anyone who pays attention to
bullshit. And also what a candidate
wears at a public appearance--
that's crucial to the bullshit
conscious voter.
ANCHOR
You mean, where a candidate wears a
hard hat at a factory and talk
about the local union, or when they
wear blue jeans in a rural area?
GRAPHIC: A graphic says
"Bullshit Breakdown" and lists important bullshit issues:
Bullshit Breakdown / Candidate Info Voters Want To Know: /
Contents of iPod. / Unpaid parking tickets / Favorite Movies
/ Level of Spousal Public Affection / Type of Car / Good
Tipper? / Type of Casual Attire
JAMES
Yes, this type of local, crowd
pandering Bullshit is something
many voters are passionate about.
So those are factors that will
always be important, but we tend to
be more interested in the variable
bullshit. The newer bullshit issues
that can swing a race last minute.
ANCHOR
Such as?
JAMES
Irrelevant slip ups and minor
wording flubs a candidate might
make in a speech.
ANCHOR
Ah yes.
JAMES
One Bullshit category growing in
importance is the Bullshit OTHER
people have to say in reaction to a
given candidate's bullshit -- the
bullshit ABOUT bullshit perpetuated
daily by people such as you and me.
ANCHOR
How can we in the news media do a
better job of staying on the
bullshit and really hounding the
candidates on petty issues.
JAMES
Send your reporters to cover the
candidates' bullshit public
appearances. Ask the candidates
bullshit questions. Cover the
bullshit.
FOOTAGE: Hillary Clinton visiting an ice cream eating contest
or some other bullshit public appearance.
ANCHOR
Yes, well, here's an example of
some bullshit Hillary Clinton has
on her campaign website:
GRAPHIC: Hillary's website. Highlight text of the statement
ANCHOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Bullshit has been an important part
of my life for many years and will
be a guiding factor in my
presidency. My pledge to America
is complete transparency in when I
wear high heels and when I wear
flats, and how many of my friends
in college may or may not have been
lesbians.
JAMES
That reminds me. What people the
candidates went to college with
have to say about them -- were they
nice? Did they go to parties? That
is a very big bullshit issue.
ANCHOR
Before you go, care to make a
prediction for November 2008?
JAMES
Well, no party has a monopoly on
Bullshit. So it's anyone's race. It
just comes down to who will unveil
a comprehensive bullshit policy
that can trounce the competition.
ANCHOR
Thank you for joining us. Up next:
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