NO FLYING CARS
Script/Idea: Scott Sherman
5/2-07 (CLK)
INT. ONION NEWS STUDIO
STOCK FOOTAGE: Clips from different movies showing flying
cars.
ANCHOR
This week major auto manufacturers
are gathered at the Montreal
International Car show. The focus
of this annual auto show is
innovation (ALT: and the
environmental impact of vehicles.)
Here to discuss the future of the
auto industry are executives from
some of the top selling car makers:
GRAPHICS: The executives appear in separate boxes. Lower
Thirds display their names/companies.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
Jeff Carlyle of GM, Daniel Grossman
of Ford, and Sean Yamashita of
Toyota. Mr. Carlyle, we'll start
with you.
CARLYLE
A lot of exciting things at
Montreal this year. At GM we're
introducing on a new line of hybrid
cars--
ANCHOR
Will any of these cars fly?
CARLYLE
Well, no. What's exciting, though,
is their fuel efficiency. The 2008
Saturn VUE, for example, will be
one of the most eco-friendly cars
on American roads when it's
released next summer.
ANCHOR
You say "roads." How will flying
in the air affect that efficiency?
CARLYLE
Well, these cars won't fly, but--
ANCHOR
Excuse me. Mr. Yamashita, how far
along are Japan's flying car
projects?
YAMASHITA
Well, we have no plans to make
flying cars. However, we are very
proud of the next-generation safety
features on the new Toyota Crown
Majesta. Crash tests have shown--
A box comes up showing STOCK FOOTAGE of movies with flying
cats in them: Judge Dredd, 5th Element, Back to the Future
II, Blade Runner, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Power Rangers...
ANCHOR
Sorry to interrupt, but we're
seeing some footage here... Look at
that go! Mr. Carlyle, when will GM
begin releasing cars like these?
CARLYLE
Those are movies, you know, right?
ANCHOR
Yes. Is it an issue of funding?
CARLYLE
No, it's an issue of reality. We
at GM are trying to focus on real
goals, and flying cars are not
real.
ANCHOR
I see.
CARLYLE
And they won't ever be.
ANCHOR
(jotting down a note)
Mmm hmm.
GROSSMAN
If I may, the new 2008 Ford Focus
is quite advanced in its own right.
The new "Sync" feature, for
example, will allow you to play
music from your iPod right over the
car's award-winning stereo system.
ANCHOR
But couldn't that be distracting
during take off and landing?
GROSSMAN
No, because the car won't fly.
CARLYLE
Look, numerous studies have shown
that flying cars are just not at
all feasible. A single model would
cost nearly a million dollars to
produce, and even if a nation-wide
remote navigation system were
constructed, the smallest glitch in
the software would be almost
certainly fatal.
YAMASHITA
Not to mention the problem of
weather. If it were a cloudy day,
piloting...
ANCHOR
From a business perspective,
though, aren't you losing out? Our
polls find that a majority of
drivers would be interested in
flying cars.
GRAPHIC: A bar graph labeled "Consumer Response to Flying
Cars" comes up. One bar is marked "Not Awesome" (it's very
low) and the other is marked "Awesome" (it's extremely high).
LOWER THIRD: Flying Cars = Awesome
YAMASHITA
Toyota has done very well in the
past without flying cars, and our
studies...
ANCHOR
In the past, yes, but now it is the
future. Let's take a look at this
projection for how flying cars
could increase auto sales.
GRAPHIC: A line graph shows car sales at an almost straight
line, low on the graph, which then suddenly shoots straight
up. Under the low part it's marked "Normal Cars." The point
where it shoots up is marked "Flying Cars Introduced."
LOWER THIRD: Projected Auto Sales / Flying Cars Would
Increase Sales
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
As you can see, the line goes up
noticeably when flying cars are
released. Mr. Carlyle, how do you
respond?
CARLYLE
We are not going to make flying
cars. We never, ever will.
ANCHOR
Interesting. Let's take a look at
the screen here, gentlemen...
GRAPHIC: A crudely Photoshopped picture of the anchor sitting
behind the wheel of a "flying" red convertible.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
Can you explain to what's going on
in this picture? Mr. Grossman?
GROSSMAN
I really can't.
YAMASHITA
It looks like a picture of flying
car. With you in it.
ANCHOR
Can you give us a ball park date
when scenes like this will be
possible, if not commonplace?
Frustrated, Carlyle gets up and leaves. After a moment, his
box turns into looped STOCK FOOTAGE of flying cars.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
Mr. Yamashita, surely you have you
ridden in flying cars in your
secret lab and can you describe the
experience?
YAMASHITA
I do not have a secret lab.
ANCHOR
Mr. Grossman...
GROSSMAN
No, no, no. They are not happening.
ANCHOR
Well, thank you for your time,
gentlemen.
YAMASHITA
Aren't we going to talk about road
handling? Toyota has some...
All the boxes disappear, leaving just the anchor.
ANCHOR
Well, it seems the jury is still
out on flying cars. Next up...
END.
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