KID SWIMMING (SHOOTING)
Idea - Johnson, Script - Gethard
7-18-07
INT. TODAY NOW SET - DEMO AREA
Close on FEMALE HOST.
FEMALE HOST
Welcome back to Today Now. We've
got an update on a truly
inspirational story we first told
you about earlier this week. I'm
talking about Brian Peete, the fat
boy from Richmond, Virginia who
successfully averted ridicule by
swimming-- are you ready for this?
With his shirt on!
B-ROLL: BRIAN PEETE, a husky child of about 12 in a white
T-shirt, doggy-paddling around a pool with other
children.
The screen splits into two boxes. In one, we see the
HOST talking, in the other we see footage of BRIAN
struggling to get out of the pool, jumping off the diving
board, sitting at a picnic table by the pool eating a hot
dog while soaking wet.
PROD. NOTE: If it proves absolutely, completely
impossible to find a pool with a diving board, we just
have him jump off the side into the deep end. If there is
no picnic table, we could use a chair or recliner or
chaise lounge.
FEMALE HOST (CONT'D)
For those of you who aren't
familiar, Brian, who's been fat
since birth, was tired of being
made fun of by the other children
at the community pool. So when it
came time to hit the water earlier
this week, he devised the plan to
keep his upper body covered. Now,
today, the Onion News Network has
more on that fat little boy's big
fat discovery.
Pull back to reveal female host, male host and BRIAN
PEETE. Brian is a bit slow to react to the host's
questions and isn't impressed with being on TV. He's a
bit of a dullard but still endearing.
Male host especially takes Brian's comments very
seriously-- he's truly in awe of the discovery.
MALE HOST
A supersized welcome to you,
Brian.
BRIAN
Oh, uh, hi.
FEMALE HOST
So Brian, for our viewers who
aren't familiar with our story,
tell us what happened.
BRIAN
I kept my shirt on when I went
swimming.
MALE HOST
Yes, you did! And that shirt
shielded you from the other kids'
ridicule. Because of that shirt,
they were completely unaware of
your oversized stomach and a pair
of floppy breasts. Is that right?
BRIAN
Yeah, no one laughed at all.
MALE HOST
Wonderful!
FEMALE HOST
(sympathetic) And other times at
the pool-- before the shirt-- the
children made fun of you?
BRIAN
Yeah, kids always called me names
and stuff on account of because
I'm husky.
MALE HOST
What kind of names, Brian? Tell
us.
BRIAN
Uh, meathead. Fatso. Lard butt.
Whaley the whale.
MALE HOST
Porky, hog, fatass, that kind of
thing?
BRIAN
Yeah. So this time I kept my shirt
on so they couldn't tell I was
heavy. (he smiles proudly)
FEMALE HOST
Wow. How'd you come up with the
idea?
BRIAN
Well, I went into the bathroom
stall to change like I normally
do. And I was about to take off
my shirt when I thought, "I'm just
gonna leave this on."
MALE HOST
Can you tell us a bit about the
shirt?
BRIAN
Like what?
MALE HOST
What did it look like?
BRIAN
Uh, it was one of my white T
shirts. I usually wear them as an
undershirt because I sweat through
my button-downs.
MALE HOST
Just a normal white T Shirt. But
when it got wet, it was like a
protective shield against the
laughter of the other kids at the
pool.
Brian doesn't follow. He shrugs.
FEMALE HOST
Well, as far as everyone at the
Onion News Network is concerned,
Brian, you are a hero. Your
discovery could give hope to
countless numbers of obese
children all around the country.
MALE HOST
Young people who would never set
foot near a public pool for fear
of inciting the mockery and
revulsion of others.
Congratulations, Brian.
BRIAN
I'm just glad that no one at the
pool tried to trip me or threw my
towel in the water or anything.
MALE HOST
What an inspiring story, and one
that the Onion News Network was
the first to bring to you.. After
the break, we'll have a report on
another innovation. It's a bowl
you can eat cereal out of.
END.
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