Onion News Network

The Onion

MISSING HIKERS (STUDIO) Script: Carol Kolb. Idea: Group This Draft: 11-12 (CLK) INT. NEWSROOM ANCHOR Welcome back. We continue now with our coverage of the gripping saga of the four hikers lost in California's Sierra Nevada Mountain range. PHOTOS: Three men and one woman. All are in their late 20's. They look happy and athletic. Photos are labeled Evan Richie, Diane Walters, Thomas Wilson, and Leeland Hillerton. NOTE: We will need multiple photos of these people to show throughout the video. FOOTAGE: A rescue operation on a mountain plays throughout. CHYRON: REPORTER / Live / Sequoia National Park ANCHOR (CONT'D) We're joined once again by REPORTER, live from the base of rescue operations in Sequoia National Park. INT. STUDIO GREEN SCREEN / PLATE: BASE OF MOUNTAIN - DUSK The REPORTER, dressed in a parka and other cold-weather reporter gear. He is outdoors, so he must speak a little loudly to be heard. ANCHOR REPORTER, throughout our coverage, we've heard many rescue workers say how dangerous these mountains are. What are the chances these hikers will make it out alive to see a thrilling made-for-TV movie based on their ordeal? REPORTER It seems very likely at this point, ANCHOR. The conditions are ideal for such a movie. The hikers are young, attractive. The storm that blew in so suddenly yesterday is expected to worsen tonight. These snow-capped mountains make a breathtaking backdrop for anything from a nature survival drama to a full-blown action-adventure movie. ANCHOR That storm -- was that the kind of dramatic blizzard that could have turned what they thought was a carefree hiking trip into a riveting fight for survival against impossible odds? REPORTER It all depends, ANCHOR. We have no idea if these unfortunate hikers who no one has seen for going on 30 hours now, have the chemistry necessary to sustain a full-length film. FOOTAGE: [NEW ADDITION] Two people sitting in folding chairs or something, holding each other, crying, and hugging. This could be sisters, parents, whatever. ANCHOR We're seeing Evan's family. They've been in the rescue center since last night. REPORTER (interrupting) I spoke to them earlier and they said that Evan is not only rugged, he has a heart of gold. ANCHOR Could he become the leader of this ragtag group? PHOTO: Evan. REPORTER Absolutely. As you can see Evan is very handsome. ANCHOR He is handsome -- and fit. REPORTER We're praying that he's risen to a position of leadership in the group and is encouraging the others to hold on to the thread of life in the face of unbelievable odds. PHOTO: Another photo of Evan. ANCHOR I could see him being played by Christian Bale. REPORTER Yes, or perhaps Paul Walker. As he shuffles papers: ANCHOR I'm sure those friends and families hoping for that kind of big-budget star power. Back to full anchor volume: ANCHOR (CONT'D) Now Reporter, we know that Leeland is quite wealthy, and therefore probably not used to taking orders. PHOTO: Leeland. ANCHOR (CONT'D) Do you think Evan's leadership is spurring jealousy in him? And will that rivalry ultimately culminate in a fight over a dangerous precipice at the heart-stopping climax of the film? GRAPHIC: A 3D relief map shows the "Kings Canyon" area. Dangerous precipices are highlighted. REPORTER Park rangers report that there are many jutting ledges in the Kings Canyon area. ANCHOR So Leeland could tumble over any one of these and Evan could catch him with one hand? REPORTER Yes, ANCHOR, but it is not known at this time whether Evan will decide to pull Leeland to safety, or let him fall to his death down a 500 foot crevasse in order to save the others. It's a choice only Evan can make. FOOTAGE: People praying. Or more people crying. Some image to drive home that people are worried about these people. ANCHOR REPORTER, are there wild animals out there the hikers may have to face down? A grizzly bear, for instance? That would make an exciting scene. PHOTO: Diane. REPORTER Grizzly bears are not native to this area, ANCHOR, but I agree that would be great. Or perhaps the third hiker, Diane, will seek refuge in one of the area's many caves, trapped between a den of adorable mountain lion cubs and their bloodthirsty mother. ANCHOR Evan would come to her rescue in that event, would he not? REPORTER If he was worthy of his leading-man status, he certainly would. ANCHOR Is there any chance the hikers will be forced to eat each other to survive? REPORTER Everyone here at base camp certainly hopes not. No one wants to see another cannibal movie. ANCHOR puts hand to ear. ANCHOR Excuse me. REPORTER, we're getting some exciting new information about the hikers. The Onion News Network has learned that both Evan and Diane are single. REPORTER, they're stranded out in the wilderness together. This means we could be seeing a romantic subplot in act two? Is that fair to say? PHOTO: Diane. PHOTO: Evan. REPORTER Again, it's too early to tell. There's too much we don't yet know about this tragedy. Will it be on Lifetime or ABC? Until we have that information, they could be doing anything up there in those mountains, from kissing passionately under a waterfall to solving a mystery. ANCHOR Now, we've heard very little so far about the fourth member of the party, Thomas Wilson. How does he factor into this? PHOTO: Thomas Wilson. REPORTER We're assuming he's dead, ANCHOR. Park rangers say that landslides are quite common this time of year and Thomas was a tangential part of the hiking party, a wisecracking coworker of Leeland who tagged along at the last minute. If he died within the first few hours of being lost, that would really drive home the point that this hiking trip had spun horribly out of control. ANCHOR Do we have any idea how he might have died? REPORTER In a best case scenario, the ground beneath him would have given way and he would have slid hundreds of feet into a deep gorge, his voice echoing "no" all the way down. ANCHOR REPORTER, thank you. We'll be checking back in with you throughout the day. PHOTO: Hunky John Agarian, 40's, in his rescue gear. ANCHOR (CONT'D) When we come back, we'll be speaking with the wife of rugged rescue team leader John Agarian about the possibility that his inability to save a of a stranded hiker some time in the past haunts him in flashbacks to this day. Stay with us. END.