The Election: How It Works
As Abraham Lincoln once said, "This precious thing, this dream, this democratic process is a total clusterfuck." The Onion's War For the White House team explains the history, context, and facts behind the American electoral system.
Apr 11, 2008, 11:52 am
The State
- Pennsylvania and Ohio are usually compared to one another because they are both key hellhole states.
- While the area's steel industry has struggled financially in recent years, it still wields a certain amount of influence over delegates who are suspended above vats of molten lead.
- Pennsylvania has 188 Democratic delegates up for grabs, down from 211 following a tragic mine collapse in 2005.
- Philadelphia, the state's largest city, is famous for its delicious, disgusting, delicious food.
- Pennsylvania's late-April primary has traditionally been symbolic of the goddamn primary season almost being over.
The Candidates
- Hillary Clinton has surged ahead in the polls in Fayette County, PA, after admitting to residents that it has been her dream since she was a little girl to win more votes than her competitor in Fayette County.
- After talking with unemployed voters in Allentown, Hillary Clinton vowed to go home and listen to the Billy Joel song a lot more closely.
- Hillary Clinton solidified her lead among blue-collar workers when she defeated a steam-powered machine in a steel-drivin' contest.
- Although Clinton was recently called out for lying about dodging sniper fire in Bosnia, the people of the Appalachia backwoods will likely be more than willing to provide her with this valuable experience.
- Barack Obama slipped in the polls when he traveled to Harrisburg and gave his now-infamous 30-minute "What is that God-awful smell?" speech.
- Obama has spent the past two weeks paving and repairing a 20-mile stretch of I-80 so he can get to his next campaign stop.
- Polls show that Obama has done well with undecided voters in Pennsylvania, though he continues to struggle with voters who have made up their minds.
- Obama has attempted to appeal to Pennsylvania's working class by donning a specially made, all-denim, Brooks Brother's power suit.
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