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Past Horoscopes

March 9, 2010

Aries You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.

March 2, 2010

Taurus Remember: God means something different to everyone, but only you, and those who agree with you, are right.

February 16, 2010

Gemini Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.

February 9, 2010

Cancer The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don't be alarmed: They're mostly just bored.

February 2, 2010

Leo The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.

January 26, 2010

Virgo You'll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it's the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs.

January 19, 2010

Libra Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.

January 12, 2010

Scorpio Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.

January 5, 2010

Sagittarius Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.

See All Horoscopes

May 13, 2008 | Issue 44•20

Your Birthday Today

Lady Luck will be on your side this week. Unfortunately for you, Lady Skill, Lady Experience, and Lady Applied Probability Theory won't.

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Coughing up blood is usually a sign of serious illness, but in your case it just means you're drinking it too fast.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

It's difficult to imagine what life would be like without your family, which is why you'll resort to a series of detailed sketches, diagrams, and plans.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Earth and water magicks are strong in Gemini this week. Prepare to lose everything you own in a devastating mudslide.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

You'll soon be transformed into a half-man, half-wolf monstrosity—bringing you one step closer to becoming a full-fledged human.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

A wise man once said, "To err is human; to forgive divine." But it's the fact that he charged for the advice that made him shrewd.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Maturity is often linked with a greater sense of responsibility, but you'll have to settle for a thick outer skin and deep yellow color.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

They can take away your house, and they can take away your car, but they'll never take away your dignity. Probably because it isn't worth very much.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

While you've always believed in life after death, it's the possibility of life before death you're beginning to wonder about.

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