Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
Lady Luck will be on your side this week. Unfortunately for you, Lady Skill, Lady Experience, and Lady Applied Probability Theory won't.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Coughing up blood is usually a sign of serious illness, but in your case it just means you're drinking it too fast.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It's difficult to imagine what life would be like without your family, which is why you'll resort to a series of detailed sketches, diagrams, and plans.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Earth and water magicks are strong in Gemini this week. Prepare to lose everything you own in a devastating mudslide.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll soon be transformed into a half-man, half-wolf monstrosity—bringing you one step closer to becoming a full-fledged human.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A wise man once said, "To err is human; to forgive divine." But it's the fact that he charged for the advice that made him shrewd.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Maturity is often linked with a greater sense of responsibility, but you'll have to settle for a thick outer skin and deep yellow color.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
They can take away your house, and they can take away your car, but they'll never take away your dignity. Probably because it isn't worth very much.
