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The Onion

DIANA CAR CRASH (STUDIO - ANCHOR PIECE) Script/Idea: Sam West This Draft: 11/5/07 (CLK) WILL NOTE: WE WILL DO TWO SETUPS OF THIS, ONE WHERE THE ANCHOR IS AT THE NEWSDESK (WE'LL DO THE WHOLE PIECE). THEN WE'LL GRAB A COUPLE INT. NEWSROOM FOOTAGE: Footage taken from helicopter surveying a traffic accident involving a semi-truck on a highway. NOTE: Change anchor lines if necessary to coincide with footage. ANCHOR Several lanes of I-95 remain shut down more than five hours after an accident that killed nine drivers outside Richmond, Virginia this afternoon -- a sad reminder of the car crash which claimed the life of Princess Diana almost 11 years ago. ALTERNATE: ANCHOR (CONT'D) Three lanes of I-95 are shut down this afternoon after a tractor trailer flipped, causing a thirteen car pileup outside Richmond, Virginia, leaving nine dead in what has quickly become a sad reminder of the loss, now ten years on, of Princess Diana. FOOTAGE: A TRAFFIC ACCIDENT. It's a horrible pileup, police everywhere, some people were obviously badly hurt. ANCHOR (V.O.) (CONT'D) Just after two p.m., an 18-wheel truck careened across three lanes of traffic and flipped on its side, causing a 120-car pileup and spilling blood across the Paris roadway-colored Interstate. FOOTAGE: An image of Princess Diana appears. Footage of the accident continues underneath. ANCHOR (CONT'D) A split second can change a life forever, as all our lives were changed when we learned of the tragic loss of Diana, Princess of Wales in 1997. ANCHOR now standing in front of a green screen as footage of Diana plays behind him. SAD MUSIC plays (perhaps 'God Save The Queen' or 'Goodbye English Rose') ... NOTE: We will also shoot the rest of the script at the newsdesk, so we've got options. ANCHOR (CONT'D) At scene of today's deadly accident, the reminders were inescapable. Diana's crash took place around two o'clock AM, the clock inverse of two o'clock PM. FOOTAGE OR PHOTO: The tunnel where Diana was killed. FOOTAGE: Police and investigators at the scene of Diana's accident. ANCHOR (CONT'D) Twenty two of the cars involved in the violent pileup were Sedans, and eight of those, like Diana and Dodi's four-door Mercedes-Benz, were black. PHOTO: A smashed-up black car. PHOTO: Diana's smashed car. This is compared side by side with the previous photo. ANCHOR (CONT'D) The vehicle at the center of the accident contained three people, now all dead. It could have easily contained a fourth person, like the car in which Diana perished, but the empty fourth seat serves as an mournful illustration of the emptiness we all feel without Princess Di. Midway through the sentence the footage quickly changes to: FOOTAGE: Diana and Dodi in happier times, possibly on a yacht. An image of a rose is superimposed over this. ANCHOR (CONT'D) The carnage defies understanding, leaving us aching with the loss of Diana, the beautiful jewel of Britain and of the whole world. Even a decade later, the hurt hasn't lessened. FOOTAGE: Police on the scene of today's accident. ANCHOR (CONT'D) Police are still investigating today's accident, much as the investigation has never been closed on the tragic incident in the Pont de l'Alma tunnel in Paris. FOOTAGE: Diana's brother, Charles Spencer, or police holding a press conference about Diana's accident. FOOTAGE: Barriers being set up. ANCHOR (CONT'D) They erected road blocks, those symbols of the death of Diana, to prevent motorists the pain of seeing such a vivid allusion to our departed Princess. FOOTAGE: Real footage of someone at the scene of the accident. A man talks about what he saw. CUT back to ANCHOR. He is now seated in front of a large GREEN SCREEN while a photo montage of Princess Diana plays. ANCHOR (V.O.) (CONT'D) But for those who witnessed the horrible crash, wounds just starting to heal after a decade of mourning, were ripped fresh again. ALTERNATE: ANCHOR (CONT'D) Ambulances, those symbols of the death of Diana, arrived at the scene minutes after the accident, causing victims to feel doubly sad. Man talks about what he saw: REAL FOOTAGE [something like] It's horrible. Just horrible. Why did this happen? ANCHOR This man's grief is a mere fraction of the outpouring we all experienced after Diana was lost to us forever. FOOTAGE: Real footage of someone at the scene of the accident. A woman in her 40's cries uncontrollably. She starts to talk about her husband but we fade her voice out. ANCHOR (CONT'D) This woman lost a husband, her own personal male princess Diana. REAL FOOTAGE [something like] He was such a good man. Why did this happen? ANCHOR At least those who mourn, do not mourn alone. FOOTAGE: Some sort of memorial for Diana, or statue or wall or whatever. FOOTAGE: Dodi and Diana in the hotel before they got into the car that crashed. FOOTAGE: Diana at a restaurant. Diana at a party. Dodi and Diana in the hotel before they got into the car that crashed. ANCHOR (CONT'D) Here is some of the last footage of Diana alive. Here we see her in a restaurant. Here we see her at a party. Here we see her getting out of an elevator. ALTERNATE: ANCHOR (CONT'D) As we present you some of the last images of Diana alive, the Onion News Network will observe a moment of silence. Silence for a moment as the footage continues. ----------------- FOOTAGE: A bloodied and bandaged man talks to the camera. ANCHOR (CONT'D) Survivors of today's crash expressed thanks their lives were spared. FOOTAGE: The man says something like... MAN I'm lucky to be alive and I ... The AUDIO fades out. Fade to PHOTO of Princess Diana. ANCHOR But in their heart of hearts, their survival must have been bittersweet, faced as we all are, with the reality of a world without Princess Diana. FOOTAGE: The sea of flowers left at various royal residences after Diana's death. ANCHOR (CONT'D) We will always be struck by the unfairness of the death of Diana, just as we will always remember the life of Diana, plucked as she was, like a perfect rose from our earthly garden. Footage: Fade to Another shot of pile-up accident victims. INT. NEWSROOM GRAPHIC: People's Princess Charitable Foundation / 813-482 6659 / info@ChangingTheHeartOfTheWorld.com [THIS IS REAL] ANCHOR To find out how you can make a donation to help the needy, call the People's Princess Charitable foundation at the number on our screen. We leave you with images of Princess Diana, pearl of our hearts, fair-haired angel of our dreams; a light whose beauty and brightness could not be extinguished, even in death. Lights in the studio fade down and a final montage of Diana appears while mournful bagpipes play. The End. ----------------------------------------------- ALTERNATES ---------------------------------------------- ANCHOR (CONT'D) Yet this man's dumb luck is a frustrating counterpoint to Princess Diana, who on that one crucial night, August 31, 1997, was not so lucky. We will always remember Diana, as we will always feel the unfairness of the loss of her life, plucked from our earthly garden.