via @TheOnion - New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less
FEED BAGS
Script/Idea: Sherman/Kolb
This Draft: 2/12/08 (CLK)
INT. ONN STUDIO
GRAPHIC: Logo for the Yum! Brands restaurants: KFC, Long
John Silver's, Pizza Hut, and Taco Bell.
ANCHOR
Fast-food giant Yum Brands unveiled a
product innovation this week that will
change the way America eats: the fast
food feed bag.
EXT. SIDEWALK
B-ROLL: Diner walks along a sidewalk wearing a KFC food
bag.
B-ROLL: Teen sitting in an outdoor location playing a
hand held video game while wearing feedbag.
B-ROLL: A fat person slumped lazily on an outdoor bench,
eating out of a feedbag.
ANCHOR (V.O.)
Beginning today, diners will be able to
strap on the wearable menu item at
participating KFC, Long John Silvers,
Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut restaurants,
making it easier than ever to eat on the
go.
INT. CORPORATE OFFICE
CHYRON: Yum Brands CEO, David Novak.
CEO
The feedbag represents our commitment to
making sure our customers eat as much as
they can with as little effort as
possible.
GRAPHIC: Side-by-side comparison of someone eating
normally and someone eating out of a feed bag: The left
side shows someone slowly moving a burger from the table
to their mouth, chewing, swallowing, taking a drink, then
repeating. The right side shows someone with a feed bag:
A cross-section of the bag shows how quickly the food is
being devoured. The person is just methodically eating
the food like a pig at a trough, never stopping.
CHYRON: Courtesy, Yum! Brands, Inc.
ANCHOR (V.O.)
The innovative design of the feed bag
meals does away with the hassles of hand
movements, chewing, and stopping to
breathe while eating. Yum Brands is
marketing the bags as a solution for
multi-tasking professionals...
GRAPHICS: A print ad for Long John Silver's new "Face
Feast" combo bag: A high-powered businesswoman has a feed
bag strapped on her head at work. It depicts the dream
version of this product.
GRAPHICS: A Long John Silver's ad showing an array of
four different bags: "Catch of The Day Feed Sack,"
"Popcorn Shrimp Pouch," "Chicken And Seafood Combo Bag."
ANCHOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
...as well as other busy Americans.
EXT. CAR AT A STOP LIGHT
B-ROLL: A Driver driving while wearing food bag, holding
a cell phone to her ear with one hand.
INT. CORPORATE OFFICE
B-ROLL: The CEO has a tray on his desk and is displaying
how to put on a KFC feedbag.
CEO
It's hot, delicious food delivered
directly to your face.
FLASH CUT:
CEO (CONT'D)
Just strap your feed sack and you can
forget you're even eating.
GRAPHIC: A hamburger and fries go into a blender-like
machine. The hamburger and fries are ground up and mixed
into a paste and put into a feed bag. Ketchup and mustard
are poured in after them.
ANCHOR (V.O.)
The feed bag meals are created using a
patented method of grinding the
restaurants' most popular menu items into
a flavorful textured food product.
B-ROLL: We see the inside of the bag and it's just a
gross chopped up mess.
EXT. TACO BELL PARKING LOT
A male Taco Bell customer standing in a parking lot
wearing a fast food feed bag. Voice muffled by the bag.
TACO BELL CUSTOMER
I got the Chipotle chicken Loco Cabeza
Bag. It's great. You can taste
everything at once.
B-ROLL: He rolls up the bag from the bottom like a tube
of toothpaste to get every last morsel of food out of it.
FLASH CUT:
He has the bag off and food all over his face. He's
holding the bag in one hand and a cup of soda in the
other.
TACO BELL CUSTOMER
(CONT'D)
You can get a soda for fifty cents more,
so it's a pretty good deal.
He pours the soda into the bag and puts the bag back on.
INT. CORPORATE OFFICE
B-ROLL: CEO walks past a framed Taco Bell feedbag
advertisement showing a group of hip twenty-somethings
having a great time while wearing feedbags. TEXT:
"Because You Don't Have Time To Slow Down."
ANCHOR (V.O.)
So far, the feedbags have been most
popular at Yum Brands multi-brand
restaurants.
PHOTO: A Pizza Hut/KFC Express
INT. CORPORATE OFFICE
CEO
Our customers love getting the tastes of
Pizza Hut's pepperoni pizza and KFC's
biscuits and gravy combined in one easy
to-chew meal.
EXT. SIDEWALK
ANCHOR
And parents say they like the convenience
of the kids-meal feed bags.
B-ROLL: A mother and her 4-year old walk on the street,
both wearing feedbags.
B-ROLL: The toddler finishes his "kids' meal" bag, then
pulls a plastic toy covered in goop out of his mouth (or
out of the bottom of the bag, getting his arm all messy).
GRAPHICS: An ad for "New KFC Feed bags" says "Family-size
it!" It has a 50-lb food bag in the center of a dinner
table of smiling mom and kids. It looks like a huge bag
of grain but it has a KFC logo on it.
ANCHOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Yum Brands says it envisions a future
when feedbags will be the standard form
of eating in America.
B-ROLL: Someone tosses their head back to get every last
bit of food out of the bag.
B-ROLL: The fat person on bench has now dozed off, feed
bag still attached to his face.
B-ROLL: Someone sneezes while wearing his bag, but keeps
on eating.
INT. NEWSROOM
GRAPHICS: A drawing of the a family of four at Pizza Hut.
They all happily eat from a trough at the table.
ANCHOR
Beginning next month, all restaurants
will add a version of the feedbag meals
for dine-in customers-- the family-style
feed trough....
GRAPHICS: A PhotoShopped print ad shows a woman in a car
driving past a Taco Bell drive-through window with her
mouth open wide. A smiling worker inside is holding hose
and spraying pureed glop directly into her mouth.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
As well as a drive through version -- in
which so called "feed-hoses" will gush
food directly into customers' open mouths
as they drive past the restaurant in
their cars.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
Our next story, Mississippi finally got
to use their Amber Alert system today.
THE END
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