SUPREME COURT DEATH PENALTY (SHOOTING)
Script: Kemmis Idea: Pielocik
This Draft: 2-21-08 (JK)
INT. NEWSROOM
ANCHOR
And in Washington today the U.S. Supreme
Court handed down a landmark decision.
Despite the growing number of death row
inmates who've been exonerated due to DNA
evidence, the Court re-affirmed the
legality of the death penalty, on the
grounds that it is, quote, "totally
badass."
GRAPHIC: Text of the majority opinion. Close-up on
"totally badass."
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
For more on the case, we now go live to
Onion News Network Washington
Correspondent, REPORTER.
SPLIT-SCREEN: REPORTER is in front of the Supreme Court.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
You were in the courtroom during oral
arguments today. How did the Supreme
Court come to their decision on this
ruling?
REPORTER
It began when the lawyers for the
petitioner presented to the court a
videotaped lethal injection that showed
an inmate writhing in pain before dying,
which they argued is proof that the death
penalty is cruel and unusual punishment.
GRAPHICS: Courtroom sketch of the justices watching the
movie with wide eyes, surprised and awestruck.
REPORTER (CONT'D)
According the to transcripts provided by
the court reporter, as the tape played,
Justice Kennedy said, quote, "Whoa",
Justice Alito remarked, quote,"Holy shit"
and Justice Ginsburg said, quote, "That's
awesome."
GRAPHICS: Artist's rendering of the justices with their
respective quotes written underneath.
ANCHOR
What was counsel's response to that?
REPORTER
Following the video, they attempted to
continue oral arguments, but were
repeatedly interrupted by Chief Justice
John Roberts, who said, "While evidence
presented to the court has indicated a
degree of fallibility in the procedural
methods of capital punishment, it is the
opinion of the this court that the
practice remains hella fuckin' balls-to
the-wall awesome." At that point the
decision seemed fairly certain.
GRAPHICS: Sketch of Roberts looking excited.
ANCHOR
How much dissent was there over that
opinion by the Chief Justice?
GRAPHICS: Crude drawings of things like a guy getting
fed to an alligator, a really strong man ripping another
man in half, and one of the justices wearing a medieval
helmet and wielding a huge sword in front of a cowering
criminal.
REPORTER
Very little. Justice Clarence Thomas,
who often sides with Chief Justice
Roberts, supported the argument
immediately, citing the precedent set by
the movie Three Hundred, in which
offended parties are quote "kicked into a
huge fucking pit." Justice Samuel Alito
then stated, "Yeah, or like Judge Dredd."
Justice Antonin Scalia then stated, quite
loudly, quote, "I am the law."
ANCHOR
The catch phrase from the film Judge
Dredd.
GRAPHICS: Several sketches of the justices saying, "I am
the law." It looks like they are imitating Sly Stallone.
GRAPHICS: One justice holds his gavel like a gun.
REPORTER
Yes. There then followed approximately
one minute of all the justices
individually claiming that they were the
law.
GRAPHICS: Transcript of this portion of the hearing. We
see a full page of the justices saying, "I am the law."
ANCHOR
What sort of precedent can we expect
today's ruling to set?
REPORTER
Actually, today's ruling merely re
affirmed a previous decision from 1858,
when the Taney Court ruled that the
practice of scalping was quote "most
deliciously dastardly."
GRAPHIC: An old Harper's Weekly cover with a drawing of
Justices holding scalps.
ANCHOR
I understand that the ruling came down
very quickly.
REPORTER
That's correct. Traditionally, the Court
takes months to hand down a decision, but
as Justice Scalia wrote in preamble to
the majority opinion, "The death penalty
is too fucking hardcore to be bound by
tradition."
GRAPHIC: Pull quote from the opening of the majority
opinion.
REPORTER (CONT'D)
The court also took the rather unusual
step of not just submitting a written
decision on this matter, but also
drawings by each of the Justices
illustrating quote "more badass
punishments." These included burning
alive, crucifixion, and quote, "the thing
they do to Mel Gibson at the end of
Braveheart," among others.
ANCHOR
The final ruling was eight-to-one in
favor of the respondent. Tell us about
the dissenting vote.
GRAPHICS: Pictures of the Justices showing how they
voted. John Paul Stevens is the only dissenting vote.
REPORTER
It came from Justice Anthony Kennedy, who
often represents the swing vote on the
court.
GRAPHIC: Picture of Justice Anthony Kennedy.
REPORTER (CONT'D)
He stated that the death penalty is, in
fact, too lenient a punishment, arguing
that sentencing inmates to life without
parole seemed, quote, "Way more brutal
because it's like they're on some kind of
prison colony planet in the future where
they have to just fight for the rest of
their lives."
GRAPHIC: Sketch of Kennedy standing up out of his chair
getting very excited and animated. He looks half crazy.
GRAPHIC: Pull quote.
ANCHOR
Did the ruling address the petitioner's
argument that capital punishment should
be outlawed since it has been known to
put innocent people to death?
REPORTER
Somewhat. Justice Samuel Alito proposed
what he called the "Coin of Truth" which
would be a coin he would personally flip
before each execution.
Heads would mean the prisoner would be
exonerated of his crimes, tails he would
die.
ANCHOR
And this was meant to pacify critics?
REPORTER
Yes, and just be sweet. In addition to
the ruling, all nine of the justices also
indicated they would like to get more
personally involved in the executions.
ANCHOR
Thank you very much, REPORTER. Roomba has
introduced a fully sentient vacuuming
cyborg.
Photo: A Roomba style robot.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
The new tech savvy gadget is the latest
in the company's line of cleaning robots.
END.
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