COSMO ANNOUNCES (SHOOTING
BY CAROL KOLB (IDEA: DOMINIC DIERKES)
7-23-07 (CLK)
PROD. NOTE: All photos will be Photoshopped. We will not be
doing photo shoots.
INT. TODAY NOW SET
FEMALE HOST
Welcome back, thanks for spending
your morning with us. Don't
forget, a little later we're going
to be talking to Julia Murray,
author of the new diet book "Shit
Yourself Thin."
MALE HOST
She looks great. She has really
shit off so much weight.
Improv Banter: They talk about this for a second.
FEMALE HOST
Be sure to stick around for that.
But first up, it's been a landmark
week for science and women.
MALE HOST
This week, researchers at
Cosmopolitan magazine announced the
completion of a monumental project.
STOCK FOOTAGE: MOS footage of a conference of female
scientists.
FEMALE HOST (V.O.)
After over 120 years of research,
the magazine has officially
catalogued every possible way a
woman can please her man.
MALE HOST
Wow. How amazing.
INT. TODAY NOW SET
FEMALE HOST
Joining us now is Cosmopolitan's
lead moan-zone researcher, Dr.
Rachel Steinberg. Dr. Steinberg,
thanks for being with us.
Pull out to reveal Rachel, mid-40s, frumpy and academic.
CHYRON: Rachel Steinberg / Lead Man Pleasing Researcher,
Cosmopolitan Magazine
*ALTERNATE:
CHYRON: Lead Sexpert, Cosmopolitan Research Institute
FEMALE HOST (CONT'D)
First off, I just want to say
congratulations. This is such a
huge accomplishment.
RACHEL
Thank you. Yes, we can now say,
unequivocally, that we have
accurately mapped every superhot
sex zone on the male human body and
identified every stimulant
empirically proven to make your
man's legs turn to Jello.
MALE HOST
Your team of researchers has been
working a long time getting to this
day. I understand the project was
started in 1886?
RACHEL
That's right. When Cosmopolitan
began its research with a grant
from The Schlicht & Field Endowment
For Male Pleasure, this type of
research had never been attempted
before. At first it was just three
women meeting once a week in an old
school house, trying to identify
the most rudimentary properties of
spicing up sack sessions.
OLD PHOTO: Three women scientists in a school house with a
diagram of male anatomy next to them.
MALE HOST
They were the real pioneers of man
pleasing.
FEMALE HOST
It's hard to believe a project of
this size and scope started with
such humble beginnings. What were
some of the earliest discoveries
the project made?
RACHEL
They largely centered on apparel
based stimulators.
PHOTO: Cosmopolitan cover from 1886. Headline: "Six Corsages
To Delight Your Husband's Eye"
PHOTO: Cosmo article from 1888: "Wooing One's Husband Into
Tender Embrace"
PHOTO: Cosmo article from 1889: "Frocks To Flatter Your
Upper Arms in the Bedchamber."
RACHEL (CONT'D)
It wasn't until the early 1920s,
and Martha Harrington's "Theories
in Pleasure-Doubling Pillow
Positions" that research moved to
involve physical contact with men.
OLD PHOTO: A female scientist, in a lab. The chalkboard
behind her is covered in complicated equations and academic
looking diagrams of people having sex. An arrow shows where
to place the pillow.
MALE HOST
Over twenty-seven million dollars
has been devoted to that physical
research since then.
RACHEL
That's right. In order to create a
truly comprehensive catalogue of
all the ways to please a man we had
to rigorously test each nerve
ending on the male body for
potential tingle or sizzle-inducing
properties. If we missed even one,
the research would have been
incomplete.
FEMALE HOST
You must be feeling so emotional
knowing it's finally finished.
RACHEL
It is extremely gratifying to
complete a project like this, but
at the same time it's a little
disappointing knowing we'll never
uncover a new sheet-twisting
thrill.
B-ROLL: INT. COSMO LAB: A man stands in his underwear with
tubes and scientific devices attached to him. A female
scientist is using tongs to rub an ice-cube on the back of
the man's neck. Two other scientists take notes on his
reactions.
PROD. NOTE: This set-up with the lab, scientists, and man in
underwear won't change but the thing that the scientist is
doing to the man will probably be altered. We need to come
up with a more clearly Cosmo-specific action.
FEMALE HOST
Here's a peek into Cosmo's man
pleasing research institute. It's
quite a facility, from what I
understand.
RACHEL
That's correct. There were
departments devoted to studying the
effects of erotic speech,
aphrodisiacal foods, and sexy
hairstyles -- that's just a start.
FEMALE HOST
The eyes of the whole world were on
this project. Your phone must be
ringing off the hook.
RACHEL
Yes, we've been receiving
congratulations from all over the
globe. We received a message from
the White House last night and the
UN just this morning. They're even
helping us translate the findings
so every country in the world can
discover the secret moves that will
drive their men wild.
MALE HOST
It must feel great to know your
fire-stoking research is helping so
many people.
RACHEL
We're very proud.
MALE HOST
Was there ever a point when you
thought about giving up?
RACHEL
Of course we all had our doubts. I
remember plenty of nights,
thinking, "We will never finish.
There's just too many ways to make
a man's toes curl."
FEMALE HOST
But there must have been a lot of
moments of exhilaration along the
way, too.
RACHEL
Of course. Back in the early '90s,
when I had been working on the
project for just a few years, we
discovered a previously unknown
super-secret pleasure point sure to
make him sizzle located in the
lower back, slightly above the
buttocks.
FEMALE HOST
I remember that.
PHOTO: The Cosmo articles from that time showing where that
area is.
RACHEL
It was a huge find, which
ultimately opened up over 200
completely new ways to give men
pleasure.
MALE HOST
What a great day for humanity.
RACHEL
Yes, well, the Cosmopolitan
Research Center was founded to make
sure men everywhere get as much
sexual pleasure as humanly possible
in their lifetime. Now that goal
should finally be attainable.
MALE HOST
We're all very grateful for the
work you've done.
FEMALE HOST
Before we're out of time, Dr.
Steinberg, what was the final
tally on man-pleasing techniques?
RACHEL
I'm proud to say we discovered
123,444 ways to please your man. A
compendium will be stored in the
Smithsonian Institute in
Washington, DC, and of course in
Cosmo's own secure vault.
PHOTO: We see this tome- it looks like an Oxford English
dictionary and written in very serious gold typeface on the
front is "One Hundred Twenty Three Thousand Four Hundred
Fourty-Four Ways To Please Your Man."
FEMALE HOST
Well, Dr. Steinberg, thank you so
much for being here and god bless
you for all your hard work.
RACHEL
Thank you.
MALE HOST
Next up...
END.
Playlists
Label
