The Election: How It Works

As Abraham Lincoln once said, "This precious thing, this dream, this democratic process is a total clusterfuck." The Onion's War For the White House team explains the history, context, and facts behind the American electoral system.

DNC: Recommended Sights And Activities

Aug 22, 2008, 2:00 pm

With thousands expected to descend on Denver, The Onion has selected some local attractions and activities we think visiting delegates and press will enjoy.

Larimer Sq: In downtown Denver, Larimer Square is known for its local boutiques, trendy restaurants, and for almost—almost—being kind of like San Francisco.
The Denver Cheesecake Factory: Though it has the same menu as the nation's other Cheesecake factories, Denver's was actually the 14th one to open.
Colfax Ave: Here, visitors can find a number of accommodating ladies who, for a reasonable fee, will pretend to be turned on by an environmentally conscious voting record.
The American Flag & Crucifix Museum: For those DNC attendees who need to be reminded of good old-fashioned American values, look no further than this Colorado Springs museum, which includes hundreds of American flags and figures of Christ nailed to the crucifix, and a few of Christ nailed to the flag.
Rocky Mountains: Do mountain stuff like looking around and horseback fishing.
Barack Obama: Whether you're thinking about Barack Obama, standing outside Barack Obama's hotel, or pretending to have a conversation with Barack Obama, Barack Obama will be all you want to do in Denver!
Red Rocks Amphitheatre: This natural structure was formed over the course of 250 million years by the slow collision of the great plains with the Rocky Mountains. Now you can see Carlos Mencia here.
Denver Union Stockyards: Each guest on this popular tour gets to try his or her hand at slaughtering a variety of hoofed mammals.
Also, pretty much all the same shit that was there back in 1908 during Denver's last Democratic National Convention.