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Republican Convention Safety Measures

Sep 01, 2008, 7:00 am

The Republican convention has been deemed a "national special security event." Minneapolis-St. Paul will receive $50 million in federal funds to cover security expenditures. How does the city plan to spend it?

Heightened secrecy surrounding the exact times and locations of confetti drops.
Prohibition against large crowds gathered inside arenas.
A new crowd-control microwave ray designed not to instantly disintegrate hundreds of innocent bystanders into a quivering mass of liquefied flesh.
Minneapolis hotels will install locks on room doors for the first time ever.
Training of specialized, dissent-sniffing police dogs.
Super-duper racial profiling.
37-year-old Stanley Warwick of Minneapolis will not be permitted to attend because that wack-job is just the type to shoot up a convention hall.
Delegates are not be allowed to bring in anything larger caliber than a 9mm.
Giving defense contractors all $50 million to do whatever they feel like to protect the convention.

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