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Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

February 9, 2010

Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.

February 2, 2010

Taurus Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.

January 26, 2010

Gemini All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.

January 19, 2010

Cancer Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.

January 12, 2010

Leo In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.

December 8, 2009

Virgo You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.

December 1, 2009

Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.

November 24, 2009

Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.

November 17, 2009

Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.

See All Horoscopes

August 26, 2008 | Issue 44•35

Your Birthday Today

Your life will lose all meaning this week when you're carelessly translated into Chinese Mandarin.

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Fate has something special in store for Taurus this week, though to be fair, that's not what the other kids will call him.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it's a challenging scavenger hunt.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

You'll awake to find a complete stranger in your bed this week, but then it's been years since you last recognized your wife.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Nothing can replace the bliss and euphoria of a runner's high. Still, lugging around all that vodka is really starting to slow you down.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

By the end of the week, you'll be the nation's foremost expert on muskrat attacks, industrial glue mishaps, and rare Egyptian curses.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Bringing a child into the world might seem cruel to you, but you're going to have to let him out of the basement at some point.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

You'll set a new record for most meatball sandwiches consumed in an hour, or at least you would have, had you waited for the judges to arrive.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Don't let anyone call you a coward this week. Unless, of course, they happen to be much bigger than you.

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