Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Your life will lose all meaning this week when you're carelessly translated into Chinese Mandarin.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Fate has something special in store for Taurus this week, though to be fair, that's not what the other kids will call him.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it's a challenging scavenger hunt.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll awake to find a complete stranger in your bed this week, but then it's been years since you last recognized your wife.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Nothing can replace the bliss and euphoria of a runner's high. Still, lugging around all that vodka is really starting to slow you down.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
By the end of the week, you'll be the nation's foremost expert on muskrat attacks, industrial glue mishaps, and rare Egyptian curses.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Bringing a child into the world might seem cruel to you, but you're going to have to let him out of the basement at some point.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll set a new record for most meatball sandwiches consumed in an hour, or at least you would have, had you waited for the judges to arrive.
