Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Your life will lose all meaning this week when you're carelessly translated into Chinese Mandarin.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Fate has something special in store for Taurus this week, though to be fair, that's not what the other kids will call him.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it's a challenging scavenger hunt.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll awake to find a complete stranger in your bed this week, but then it's been years since you last recognized your wife.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Nothing can replace the bliss and euphoria of a runner's high. Still, lugging around all that vodka is really starting to slow you down.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
By the end of the week, you'll be the nation's foremost expert on muskrat attacks, industrial glue mishaps, and rare Egyptian curses.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Bringing a child into the world might seem cruel to you, but you're going to have to let him out of the basement at some point.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll set a new record for most meatball sandwiches consumed in an hour, or at least you would have, had you waited for the judges to arrive.
