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Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

November 3, 2009

Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.

October 27, 2009

Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.

October 20, 2009

Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.

October 13, 2009

Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

October 6, 2009

Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.

September 22, 2009

Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.

September 15, 2009

Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.

September 8, 2009

Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.

September 1, 2009

Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.

See All Horoscopes

August 26, 2008 | Issue 44•35

Your Birthday Today

Your life will lose all meaning this week when you're carelessly translated into Chinese Mandarin.

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Fate has something special in store for Taurus this week, though to be fair, that's not what the other kids will call him.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it's a challenging scavenger hunt.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

You'll awake to find a complete stranger in your bed this week, but then it's been years since you last recognized your wife.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Nothing can replace the bliss and euphoria of a runner's high. Still, lugging around all that vodka is really starting to slow you down.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

By the end of the week, you'll be the nation's foremost expert on muskrat attacks, industrial glue mishaps, and rare Egyptian curses.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Bringing a child into the world might seem cruel to you, but you're going to have to let him out of the basement at some point.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

You'll set a new record for most meatball sandwiches consumed in an hour, or at least you would have, had you waited for the judges to arrive.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Don't let anyone call you a coward this week. Unless, of course, they happen to be much bigger than you.

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