RNC Coverage: No Children Left Behind

POSTED BY: Kelly, Onion Editorial Cartoonist

Sep 03, 2008, 4:54 pm

I want to bring you up to date on the latest developments from the X-Cel Center in the City of Saints. Some of them are shocking indeed.

Republicans have long valued the value of Commitment. And today they are honoring those of us who have made a commitment to children—"All My Children"—by providing free Convention Access to the Emmy-winning daytime drama.

I can report to you at this hour that Kendall Hart (she's bold, impulsive, and unwilling to take any crap) agrees to go with Zach Slater (Stoic Man of Honor, but with a Heart of Gold) to his beach house. After passionate love-making, she needs to go back to work but he insists they need time for them and should ignore the outside world. Zach is like a broken record, repeating that Kendall is spending too much energy on others and not their relationship. He thinks she's scared, and alludes to problems in their marriage. Kendall denies and claims their marriage is perfectly sound.

It is a sad contrast that men like Zach are scarcely to be found on the American Political Landscape. We could use a man like him in office—and, yes, even the highest office in the land. Kendall should stop and realize what she's throwing away.

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