Here's How You Win An Election, Mr. McCain

POSTED BY: Carla Freeman, Junior Class President

Nov 03, 2008, 12:00 pm

Oh no! It looks like John McCain's in a lot of trouble, and the election is only a few days away. That shouldn't be too much of a problem, though, because my entire campaign this year was only a few days long, and I won. Mr. McCain seems like a nice man, a lot like that old guy who mops up the cafeteria after-school, so I'll help him out with some campaign advice that worked for me!

1. TIME FOR A NEW HAIRSTYLE!

There's no better way to completely change the nature of an election in a jiffy than to do something new with your hair. A new hairstyle will put your opponent on the defensive immediately. I mean, why didn't the other candidate change her hair? Does she not care about her hair? Is she old and out of touch? These are the things people will think. Make sure you go to a big-city salon though, like the one they have in Kansas City, because NOTHING will sink an election faster than a botched haircut.

2. CARRY A BABY AROUND!

This worked really well when I was running this year. One day Hannah Becker stopped by school to say hi to everyone and show off her new baby, Willa. I picked Willa up and walked around a little with her, and all of a sudden, lots of people came up to see me. If you carry a baby around all the time, you'll always have the PERFECT excuse to tell people your campaign message. Also, Mr. McCain, the baby will make you seem cuter.

3. GET IN A CAR ACCIDENT!

Last year, nobody was going to vote for Andrea Dixon for senior class president, but then she and her boyfriend Greg Dolan got in a car accident on the way back from their shift at Applebee's. After that, EVERYONE voted for her because Greg was in the hospital for weeks. She didn't even have to do anything to win, except go to a couple funerals.

And more than anything, Mr. McCain, if you see a big group of people gathered, GO TALK TO THEM! It's the best way to get your message out, just make sure you ask the teacher or coach or whoever is in charge of them first.

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