MONEY HOLE
6/16/08 (JK)
NOTES: Ramp up government spending language. Escalate
beats. Condense final section. (We still need a new Hole
type.)
Duncan Birch - Strongly in favor of dumping money. If
anything, we should dump more money. Has basically proven
that the money hole is less fiscally sound than throwing
money in the river. Accuses his fellow panelists of being
bought off by the Money Hole lobby. (COULD ALSO BE SOMEONE
ELSE.)
Nancy - Pro-hole. Wants to throw more money in.
Leslie Hillerman - Thinks we should allow individuals to have
the money to dispose of how they please - burning it, feeding
it to dogs, shredding it in industrial fans.
Pundit to be named -
GRAPHICS: News clippings with bad economic news, editorials
calling for the closing of the money hole, a convoy of dump
trucks.
HOST
I'm HOST filling in for Clifford
Banes, who TKTK.
FOOTAGE: Unemployment lines. Consumers buying things at
checkout lines. The U.S. Mint printing money. Dump-trucks.
GRAPHICS: Photoshopped picture of the Money Hole: A huge,
bottomless pit in the middle of a desert. We see a dump
truck on the edge dumping money into it (the truck should
look tiny compared to how huge the hole is). A line of other
trucks wait in line behind it to do the same.
HOST (CONT'D)
With all economic factors
indicating the U.S. is heading for
a prolonged recession, some experts
are suggesting that the government
should stop dumping money into
America's enormous Money Hole. Is
it time to close the National Money
Hole?
All panelists are shocked at the suggestion: "What? Close
the Money Hole? No!"
PUNDIT
That kind of talk is alarmist.
NANCY
America needs the Money Hole.
PUNDIT
Driving truckloads of money out
into the New Mexico desert and
dumping it into a massive pit is
one of America's greatest
traditions.
DUNCAN
It's a national treasure. Last
month I took my son to the Money
Hole to watch him throw his first
dollar in. When he realized that
dollar was never coming back his
face just lit up.
LESLIE
Look, no reasonable person is
advocating that we stop destroying
money, but we should let
individuals have a say in how it's
done. The American people earned
that money, they ought to decide
how it's destroyed.
HOST
You're in favor of personal money
holes?
LESLIE
Yes, people should be allowed to
dump money into a hole in their own
backyard. Or flush it down a
toilet. Let the free market decide
the most efficient way of
destroying money.
DUNCAN
But Leslie, the Money Hole only
works when every American throws
their money into it. With private
money holes, there's no guarantee
all the money will be destroyed.
PUNDIT
Duncan's right. Some money could
blow away, they may not bury it
deep enough -- there's too many
things that could go wrong.
HOST
The government already pours
gasoline into the Money Hole and
lights it on fire to make sure all
the money is destroyed. Why mess
with a good thing?
DUNCAN
As they say, you have to throw
money down a hole and light it on
fire to make money.
LESLIE
But Duncan, less regulation will
increase competition for the most
cost-effective way destroying our
money. Like shredding it up and
feeding it to hogs, for example.
PUNDIT
I would be open to a compromise
where we throw all our money into a
river.
NANCY
No. We just need to throw more
money in the Money Hole.
HOST
So you think increasing the number
of dump trucks filled with cash we
send there each day would actually
help our economy?
NANCY
Yes! Drop the money in there from
money planes. Spray it in with a
money hose.
PUNDIT
Leslie is right about needing to
cut back, but if we're talking
about closing America's holes,
let's close the Soldier Hole or our
Energy Hole. Closing the Money
Hole shouldn't even be an option.
HOST
A recent study published in
Business Week says America could
save millions of dollars if we
shipped our money overseas to a
lower-cost money hole in countries
like Indonesia or Malaysia. Is
that something worth exploring?
LESLIE
Yes. Money is going to going where
it's cheapest to destroy it.
That's just how economics works.
DUNCAN
But Leslie, The Money Hole keeps
thousands of Americans employed.
What about the hundreds of diggers
whose job it is to dig the hole
deeper?
LESLIE
Outsourcing our money hole overseas
will create new jobs in the money
destroying industry. We'll need
people to load money onto cargo
ships, people to make sure nobody
steals the money before it gets
destroyed-
PUNDIT
You tell that to the digger who's
worked the graveyard shift for
twenty years making sure not a
single dollar escapes our Money
Hole. Digging the Money Hole is
all he knows.
LESLIE
Why are you so intent on pushing
this pro-hole agenda? Is the Money
Hole lobby paying you off?
PUNDIT
I resent that accusation. I don't
accept money from special
interests. And if I did, I would
throw it in the Money Hole because
I am a patriot.
NANCY
If you love America, you throw your
money in its hole.
HOST
What about people who say the money
hole is unsafe? Hundreds of
children fall in every year.
DUNCAN
The ones who fall in will be well
provided for. There's tons of
money down there.
END.
---------------------------------------------------------
New Alts:
HOST
Should we close the money hole?
PUNDIT
No, that would only cause a panic.
Closing the money hole would send
the message that America might one
day run out of money.
----
LESLIE
Yes. Allowing people to throw
money into a hole in their own
backyard would be much more
efficient. With the money we save
we could invest in newer money
destroying technology.
----
**ALTERNATE:
ALTERNATES:
NANCY
I would like to fall in that Money
Hole.
---
HOST
The Wall Street Journal has
suggested tripling the size of our
money hole, thereby creating more
shoveling jobs.
PUNDIT
Yes, if anything, we should pump
more money into the hole and create
more money-hole related jobs.
DUNCAN
Sure, as long as we make sure that
the income that is generated by all
these new jobs eventually finds its
way back to the money hole.
PUNDIT
We could open more holes.
HOST
Do you see it as a problem that
then there will be more holes to
fill. Won't that require more
money?
THE END
--------------------------------------------
NANCY
The more money in the Money Hole
the better.
----
HOST
Well, some people have said it
could be a temporary measure -- we
could suspend our use of the money
hole just until the economy
improves.
---
Trucking tons of cash to the middle
of the desert to dump it costs
money. There are simply more cost
effective ways of destroying our
money.
HOST (CONT'D)
Such as?
---
NANCY
Think of all that money the federal
government is gonna accumulate.
It's just sitting there in a bank.
It should all be in the hole.
DUNCAN
Yes, we'd have to think of all new
ways to destroy our money-- shoot
it into space, big fireworks
displays, national sing a longs.
HOST
That seems like a lot of work.
NANCY
I agree. Let's just throw the money
in the hole.
---
NANCY (CONT'D)
What are we gonna do with that hole
if we don't throw money into it?
LESLIE
We could throw any number of things
in it -- perfectly good food,
clothes that have barely ever been
warn, expensive toys that were only
played with twice.
NANCY
That's just plain wasteful [or
stupid.]
---
NANCY (CONT'D)
I am proactive. I find ways for me
and my family to destroy money in
our own home. We have a large paper
mache replica of the white house
made out of shredded $100 bills
together, for example.
---
LESLIE
I'm sorry, but that money hole just
isn't safe. Children could fall
into that money hole.
DUNCAN
If they fall into the money hole
they'll be well provided for.
There's tons of money down there.
NANCY
We can make the money hole safer.
Put up more signs and guardrails.
PUNDIT
And we should make it handicap
accessible.
NANCY
And safe from terrorists.
HOST
That's true. Last month a CNN
hidden camera was able to get
inside the money hole. Security
around the money hole should be
tightened.
----
PUNDIT
With the environment in the state
it is in, it's ridiculous to be
throwing all that money in a hole.
We should make an artificial money
coral reef that could serve as a
habitat for sea creatures.
DUNCAN
If the environment is the issue, it
hardly makes sense to burn the
money. We should find some sort of
green alternative, such as flooding
the money hole with natural sea
water or using solar power turbines
to blow the money into a canyon.
---
HOST
An op ed in Business week said we
stand to save millions of dollars
if we ship our money overseas to a
lower-cost money hole in India or
Malaysia if we want to save money.
Everyone reacts strongly against the idea.
NANCY
Well, that is terrible idea!
HOST
I'm just telling you what I read.
---
NANCY
In addition to the money hole, we
should stop burning our excess
medicine, turning our gold reserves
into glitter, and feeding our wheat
stores to funny elephants.
OLD ALTERNATES
---
PUNDIT
I don't know. I remember the time
I took my son to the money hole so
he could throw a dollar down into
it. It was the first thing that
he'd done that truly made him feel
like an American and I'd hate for
other children to miss out on that.
DUNCAN
That's nothing more than cheap
sentiment and anecdotal evidence.
PUNDIT
I beg your pardon.
DUNCAN
Let's stick to the issue: how we
need that money hole.
---
HOST
NASA recently announced a new lunar
mission for 2016. Should we use
that opportunity to shoot all of
our money into space once and for
all?
PUNDIT
NASA does have an excellent
reputation in this area. We've
been pouring billions into it for
years and that money has not come
back to us once.
DUNCAN
That seems like a sensible
compromise.
LESLIE
If we shot the money into the sun,
I would be in favor of it.
DOROTHY
That money's gonna burn!
DUNCAN
Fuck yes, it is!
---
DUNCAN (CONT'D)
NO! Seeing your federal government
throw sacks of money into a hole in
a systematic way sends a powerful
message that the economy is strong,
only getting stronger, and nothing
bad will ever happen.
--
DUNCAN (CONT'D)
If the government were to simply
stop trucking tons of money out
into the New Mexico desert and
throwing it into a near- bottomless
pit, that's when I would start to
worry.
--
PUNDIT
We could, perhaps, stand to save
some money by not pouring gasoline
down the hole and setting it on
fire every night. Perhaps we could
just throw dirt on top of the money
to bury it.
NANCY
No way. The nightly money fire is
the best part of the money hole.
---
LESLIE
Well, if every state had its own
hole then they could control it as
it saw fit.
That would be an improvement over
the current federal hole.
--
PUNDIT
Flushing it down the toilet,
feeding it to hogs, shredding it in
a paper shredder.
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