mobile edition

At the AV Club: AVQ&A

Horoscopes

Article Tools

Past Horoscopes

November 3, 2009

Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.

October 27, 2009

Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.

October 20, 2009

Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.

October 13, 2009

Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

October 6, 2009

Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.

September 22, 2009

Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.

September 15, 2009

Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.

September 8, 2009

Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.

September 1, 2009

Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.

See All Horoscopes

January 6, 2009 | Issue 45•02

Your Birthday Today

Bloodied, alone and in shock, you'll finally realize it's not a Gorilla Gram.

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

The coming week will feature ball lighting, skin lesions, and a runaway gasoline truck. Then things will get ugly.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Wrinkles are usually a sign of aging, but in your case they just mean you should get out of the tub.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Your tryst with a married woman will come to an end this week when she finally asks you for a divorce.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Everything will go according to plan, except for the injured hostages, the brief shoot-out with police, and the fact that you were just trying to make toast.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

The stars indicate that you're a lean, mean sex machine. Also, the stars indicate that you only take quarters.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

True happiness will continue to elude you in the days to—wait, there it is! There, behind the couch! Quickly, it's getting away!

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Having a child is one of the most thrilling experiences a woman can have, but you'll give it all up for the rush of riding your town's new rollercoaster.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Your life will have a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the three bears returning home.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of a red-bellied trout.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Aquarius would love nothing more than to predict your future, but its old lady just got back from the C-Town, and man, that shit smells good.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

You will accidentally jump to your death this week, thanks to a rather low ceiling fan.

Meet Other Onion Readers

more personals »