Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Bloodied, alone and in shock, you'll finally realize it's not a Gorilla Gram.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The coming week will feature ball lighting, skin lesions, and a runaway gasoline truck. Then things will get ugly.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Wrinkles are usually a sign of aging, but in your case they just mean you should get out of the tub.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your tryst with a married woman will come to an end this week when she finally asks you for a divorce.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Everything will go according to plan, except for the injured hostages, the brief shoot-out with police, and the fact that you were just trying to make toast.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars indicate that you're a lean, mean sex machine. Also, the stars indicate that you only take quarters.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
True happiness will continue to elude you in the days to—wait, there it is! There, behind the couch! Quickly, it's getting away!
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Having a child is one of the most thrilling experiences a woman can have, but you'll give it all up for the rush of riding your town's new rollercoaster.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your life will have a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the three bears returning home.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of a red-bellied trout.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Aquarius would love nothing more than to predict your future, but its old lady just got back from the C-Town, and man, that shit smells good.
