mobile edition

At the AV Club: Stephin Merritt

Local

Nation's Poor Bastards Never Even Saw It Coming

November 30, 2009 | Issue 45•49

NEW YORK—According to a report published Tuesday by the Center for the Study of Goddamn Fucking Shames, 96 percent of the nation's sorry sons of bitches never even saw it coming. The study found that two-thirds of those surveyed didn't stand a chance, 21 percent never would've thought for a second, and 2 percent were just sitting there minding their own business when all of a sudden, whack, right in the back of the head. "Poor bastards," head researcher David Childress said. The report also showed that the remaining 4 percent did manage to see it coming, but before they had a chance to do a damn thing about it, it was too late.

Meet Other Onion Readers

more personals »