Brandon Armstrong
Brandon Armstrong is a lead anchor for the Onion News Network, where he has established an international reputation for excellence in broadcast journalism. After more than a decade as a print journalist, Armstrong made the transition to television news. He joined the Onion News Network in 1976 as a foreign correspondent in Micronesia. After being transferred back to the States, Armstrong received the Peabody Award for his live, 98-hour coverage of a hijacked blimp hurtling slowly toward New York City in 1999. He is a nine-time recipient of the National Press Club Freedom of the Press Award, a five-time recipient of the DuPont Award for Outstanding Coverage of the Dupont Corporation, and has been under consideration for both the Nobel Peace Prize and the Purple Heart. Armstrong is also the author of the acclaimed New York Times best seller, Enunciate Clearly To Power.
Lane Everett
Lane Everett became an anchor for the Onion News Network's national desk in 1998 after Onion publisher emeritus T. Herman Zweibel saw footage of her delivering a report from inside a hurricane on NBC's Earth's Deadliest Weather. Zweibel was so impressed with her professionalism that he demanded the Onion News Network hire her "at any cost." In early 2003, Everett was stabbed in the abdomen with a shiv after being caught up in a prison riot during a live report on inmates' dietary habits. Alhough she was bleeding profusely and suffocating from tear gas, Everett managed to finish the report, an experience she now calls her finest moment. Everett graduated from high school when she was 14 and is a member of Mensa. At age 19, she wrote her first book, The Pedagogy and Politics of Mass Communication During the Reagan Administration, which received the Pulitzer Prize for Nonfiction. Everett is also an expert archer.
Jean Anne Whorton
Jean Anne Whorton is a prime-time anchor for the Onion News Network's 24-hour news channel. From 2002 to 2004, Whorton hosted the weekend edition of The Onion News Network World Report. She moved to the weekday desk in 2005 after undergoing three months of plastic surgery. Whorton holds a bachelor's degree from San Diego State University and a master's degree in history from Capella Online University. Whorton often proudly relates that she has never left the country, and cites being named by People magazine as one of the "50 Most Aggressive People in the World" in 2007as the high point of her career. Whorton has received three Gracie Awards (American Women in Radio and Television National Awards), including her most recent prize, Best Network Feature for a story on unsafe conditions at the boarding school her own children attend.
