This Week

There Should Be No Secrets In Our Relationship Excluding The Events Of March 2, 2004

Craig McKay

02.09.10

We've been together quite a while now, and I truly believe that if our relationship is going to last—if we're really going to commit to a...

If I See A Shirt I Like, I'll Usually Just Buy It

Warren Buffett

02.04.10

I'm not really the kind of person to get caught up in the latest trends or fashions or anything like that. But some days, if I get out of work...

Editorial Cartoon »

Recent Opinions

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  As Much As I Hated Putting My Dog To Sleep, I Know He'll Feel Better When He Wakes Up

  By Ted Brimble
  02.02.10

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  Ask A High School English Teacher Pressed Into Duty As The JV Basketball Coach After The Previous Coach Abruptly Resigned

  By Coach Stu Roston
  01.28.10

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  I Don't Even Want To Be Alive Anymore

  By Rush Limbaugh
  01.25.10

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  How Quickly Israel And Palestine Have Forgotten The Lessons Of 'Enemy Mine'

  By Roger Halsey
  01.21.10

Corrections

Monday's article on the Fourth Avenue rapist contained a number of hasty presumptions. The assailant could have been wearing any kind of dark shoes, not necessarily chocolate-colored Converse high-tops, and even if he was, anybody can order those online. The so-called "writer's callus" on his right middle figure might actually be something that Mexican guys get from firing guns a lot. Lastly, Police Chief Harris' advice to victims to fight back and injure the rapist's groin would probably just make him madder. Don't make it worse by trying to be Wonder Woman.

Letters To The Editor

Dear The Onion,

I've been seeing this girl for about six months and the relationship seems too good to be true. Should I stab my girlfriend just to reassure myself and give both of us a little wake-up call about how life can be? Sincerely,

Jared Price, Frederick, MD