Senator Byrd The Longest-Serving Lawmaker
"It's sad that, even today, the Senate's still the only way for a West Virginia boy to get out of the mines."
This Week
This Would Be The Best Mental Hospital Ever If Elliott Gould Weren't Hiding In The Toilet
Who Swoons Over 'New Moon'?
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Please Stop Screaming At Me
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Kids Grow The Fuck Up So Fast These Days
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I Can't Believe You Blew My Perfect Feedback Rating
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I Don't Want Health Care If Just Anyone Can Have It
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Why Doesn't My Code Get Its Own Movie?
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I'm Taking Cuddliness To A Whole New Level
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When I Die, Scatter My Ashes On A Naked Lady
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If God Had Wanted Me To Be Accepting Of Gays, He Would Have Given Me The Warmth And Compassion To Do So
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Well, Well, Well–If It Isn't A Family-Owned Retailer
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I'm T.J. Maxxed Out
Recent Opinions
Corrections
Yesterday we incorrectly printed the date Thursday, Nov. 12, instead of Friday, Nov. 13. The Onion apologizes to those who thought they were getting a second chance.
Letters To The Editor
Dear The Onion,
The Yankees won the World Series. So what? Go fuck yourself.
Todd Baines, Philadelphia, PA
Columnists
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Jean Teasdale
A Room Of Jean's Own
P.S. I Love You
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Roger Dudek
Write On The Funny!
Moving On Up…To The Cheap Side!
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T. Herman Zweibel
Publisher Emeritus (photo circa 1911)
Well, I've Sold The Paper To The Chinese
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Smoove B
Love Man
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Larry Groznic
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Jim Anchower
The Cruise
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Jackie Harvey
The Outside Scoop
