Michael Jackson Dead
"Why do the really weird celebrities who probably already wish they were dead anyway always have to die so young?"
Last week, your mother clipped out and mailed you an article from our Health section that stressed the importance of regular dental checkups. The Onion regrets its small role in your mother's ceaseless over-parenting.
Dear The Onion,
I own CARLO'S PIZZERIA on the corner of HURON AND CONCORD AVE. Unfortunately, advertising in your paper is too expensive for a small-business owner like me. So there's no way for me to let people know that CARLO'S PIZZERIA, which is OPEN LATE, is offering FREE BREADSTICKS WITH ANY LARGE TWO-TOPPING PIZZA.
Carlo Paladino, Worcester, MA, 135-8275
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