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Listen, Can You Do Me A Favor And Join The Army?

By Sgt. 1st Class Steven L. Hynde

April 23, 2008
Hanna Montana's Secret Identity…Revealed!

By Jackie Harvey

April 23, 2008
That Professor Lasky From Saved By The Bell: The College Years Was A Real Jerk

By Andrew T. Varenhorst

April 16, 2008
Shark!

By Cole Thewlis, Lifeguard

April 16, 2008

Opinion

New This Week

I Would Say 'To Kill A Mockingbird' Captured The Most Interesting Part Of Our Lives

As I get older and reflect on my life, my mind always drifts back to the time I defended handyman Tom Robinson against those trumped-up, racially...

May 14, 2008

I Can't Believe I'm Being Forced To Sit On This Couch While Jay Leno Interviews Josh Hartnett

Don't get me wrong: It's great being on the show. Love Jay, love the audience, really. And this Josh…Hartnett, is it? He seems like a good...

May 14, 2008

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My Use Of Simile Sucks As Bad As The River Tide

by Mark Ganz

I consider myself a pretty eloquent guy. My grasp of communication is as tight as a three-dollar slipknot. I've been told my diction's clear as...
I Love My Country–Aw, Who Am I Kidding? My Country Can Go Fuck Itself

by Harvey Sands

When I look at that grand old flag, waving up there, big and proud in the breeze, my heart swells near to bursting, and a tear forms in my eye...

From The Opinions Archives

Guns Are Only Deadly If Used For Their Intended Purpose
June 12, 2002 | Issue 38•22
I've Got Some Bad News, And I've Got Some Hilarious News
June 13, 2007 | Issue 43•24
Our Street Gangs Are Probably Using Bad Language
September 02, 1998 | Issue 34•05

This Promotional Pen Works So Great, Imagine How Well The Drug Must Work
July 24, 2002 | Issue 38•26
When Are They Going To Finish The Arthur Trilogy?
November 05, 1996 | Issue 30•13
This Job Isn't Nearly As Exciting As The DeVry Institute Led Me To Believe
August 13, 2003 | Issue 39•31

Why Do Porn Actors Have To Use Such Foul Language?

April 24, 2002 | Issue 38•15

I Support The Occupation Of Iraq, But I Don't Support Our Troops

February 23, 2005 | Issue 41•08

I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, And I'll Fuck My Way Out

September 20, 2006 | Issue 42•38

Recent Opinions

Listen, Can You Do Me A Favor And Join The Army?

Hanna Montana's Secret Identity…Revealed!

That Professor Lasky From Saved By The Bell: The College Years Was A Real Jerk

Shark!

Opinion

New This Week

I Would Say 'To Kill A Mockingbird' Captured The Most Interesting Part Of Our Lives

I Can't Believe I'm Being Forced To Sit On This Couch While Jay Leno Interviews Josh Hartnett

Columnists

Hanna Montana's Secret Identity…Revealed!

Smoove Is Waiting

I Got A Rat Problem, And I Don't Mean The Band

Comedy Tonight!

Onion Publisher Emeritus Introduces The Onion's 'War For The White House' Web Site

It Wuz Always 'Bout Tha Numbahs

We Have New Intelligence Regarding The Identity Of The Counter-Spy Within The Department

And Now For Some... Amusement

I Must Take Issue With The Wikipedia Entry For 'Weird Al' Yankovic

Get Me Off This Consarned Asteroid!

Opinions

My Use Of Simile Sucks As Bad As The River Tide

I Love My Country–Aw, Who Am I Kidding? My Country Can Go Fuck Itself

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