December Named National Awareness Month 11.17.09

WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat what organizers are calling "our current epidemic of complete and utter obliviousness," the American Foundation for Paying Attention to Things has declared December "National Awareness Month." more»

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Heroin Addicts Pressure President To Stay Course In Afghanistan 11.19.09

LOS ANGELES—As the White House considers sweeping strategic shifts in the war in Afghanistan, heroin addicts across the nation called on President Obama Monday to stick with the current U.S....
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American Muslims To Fort Hood Shooter: 'Thanks A Lot, Asshole' 11.12.09

FORT HOOD, TX—Following Army psychologist Nidal Malik Hasan's shooting rampage on the Fort Hood military base last week that left 13 people dead and 30 others injured, fellow Muslims across...
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H.R. 2651 Fans Storm Senate Floor After Passage Of Bill 11.12.09

WASHINGTON—Diehard fans of H.R. 2651 charged the floor of the Senate chamber Tuesday after their bill, a 14-vote underdog nicknamed the Maritime Workforce Development Act, passed 51-49 with...
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Poll: 100% Of Grandsons Talented 11.09.09

ATLANTA—A Zogby poll of 1,542 American grandparents published Monday found that grandsons were described as "very" to "extremely" talented by 1,542 of the respondents. "Participants in the...
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Barack Obama Names Alan Moore Official White House Biographer 11.04.09

WASHINGTON—At a press conference Monday, President Obama announced that he had appointed legendary comic book writer Alan Moore as the official biographer of his time in the White House. "As...
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Congress Approves $500 Billion For Monument To Human Folly 11.03.09

WASHINGTON—In recognition of mankind's inherent propensity for tragically foolish decisions, Congress allocated nearly $500 billion Monday for the construction of a new national monument...
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Sasha Obama Orders Secret Service Agent To Stop Squirming During Makeover 10.30.09

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, first daughter Sasha Obama, 8, issued a direct order to Special Agent James Warren of the Secret Service yesterday, instructing the officer to...
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Obama's Declaration Of Swine Flu Emergency Prompts Pro-Swine-Flu Republican Response 10.28.09

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the president was preying on the public's fear of contracting a fatal disease last week when he declared the H1N1 virus a national emergency, Republican leaders...
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