Congress Approves $500 Billion For Monument To Human Folly 11.03.09

WASHINGTON—"Our goal is to create a structure that, like the human race itself, is doomed from the outset and plagued by innate flaws that can never be corrected," said Sen. George Voinovich. more»

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Poll: 100% Of Grandsons Talented 11.09.09

ATLANTA—A Zogby poll of 1,542 American grandparents published Monday found that grandsons were described as "very" to "extremely" talented by 1,542 of the respondents. "Participants in the...
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Barack Obama Names Alan Moore Official White House Biographer 11.04.09

WASHINGTON—At a press conference Monday, President Obama announced that he had appointed legendary comic book writer Alan Moore as the official biographer of his time in the White House. "As...
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Sasha Obama Orders Secret Service Agent To Stop Squirming During Makeover 10.30.09

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, first daughter Sasha Obama, 8, issued a direct order to Special Agent James Warren of the Secret Service yesterday, instructing the officer to...
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Obama's Declaration Of Swine Flu Emergency Prompts Pro-Swine-Flu Republican Response 10.28.09

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the president was preying on the public's fear of contracting a fatal disease last week when he declared the H1N1 virus a national emergency, Republican leaders...
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U.S. Continues Quagmire-Building Effort In Afghanistan 10.27.09

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN— According to sources at the Pentagon, American quagmire-building efforts continued apace in Afghanistan this week, as the geographically rugged, politically unstable...
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Senate Passes Blame By Vote Of 91-8 10.26.09

WASHINGTON—In a rare display of bipartisanship, senators on both sides of the aisle set aside their differences Tuesday and passed off responsibility for the nation's problems by an...
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Nation's Morons March On Washington State 10.21.09

OLYMPIA, WA—With random cries of "Enough is enough," "Do something now," and "Huh?" thousands of the nation's biggest morons descended on Washington State this week, some 3,000 miles from...
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Sotomayor Misses Supreme Court Case After Failing To Get Out Of Jury Duty 10.12.09

WASHINGTON—Recently appointed justice Sonia Sotomayor told reporters that, despite making dozens of excuses, she was selected for jury duty this week, causing her to miss a landmark Supreme...
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