Scientists Replace Penile Tissue In Rabbits
"I'd like to hear more about this. I have a friend who's interested in potential cures for impotence. His name is Sam Bailey, and he lives in Toledo, OH."
God Introduces New Bird
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Report: Fiber Optics Not A Real Thing
BOSTON—Members of the world's engineering and telecommunications communities admitted Tuesday that fiber optics, the supposed technological application that ostensibly allows light to carry...
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Report: 65% Of All Wildlife Now Used As Homosexual Subculture Signifier
PALO ALTO, CA—A study released Tuesday by the Stanford University Department of Linguistics revealed that nearly two-thirds of all animal species have been adopted to describe various gay...
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Cell Phone Stuck In 2-Year Contract With Local Man
LAS CRUCES, NM—Though it has been the victim of rampant physical and verbal abuse and feels terrorized by its demanding, possessive partner, a local Samsung SPH-M300 mobile phone cannot get...
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Study: Majority Of 'Calm Downs' Ineffective
ITHACA, NY—A study published recently in the Journal Of Mental Health found that attempting to reverse a loud emotional display by asking an individual to calm down was effective only...
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Shell Executives Accuse Oil-Covered Otter Of Playing It Up
OAK HARBOR, WA—Executives from the Shell Oil Company blasted a floundering, oil-covered sea otter Monday, accusing the small aquatic mammal of grossly exaggerating the effects of last week's...
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Man's Facebook Status Given Book Deal
NEW YORK—HarperCollins Publishers announced Monday that 24-year-old Islip, NY resident Gerard Dillow has accepted its offer of $250,000 to publish his Facebook status from 56 minutes ago,...
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Nadir Of Western Civilization To Be Reached This Friday At 3:32 P.M.
WASHINGTON—An international panel of leading anthropologists, cultural critics, biologists, and social theorists announced this week that Western civilization will reach its lowest...
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Melting Ice Caps Expose Hundreds Of Secret Arctic Lairs
ZACKENBERG RESEARCH STATION, GREENLAND—Claiming it to be one of the most dramatic and visible signs of climate change to date, researchers said Monday that receding polar ice caps have...
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