The Onion - America's Finest News Source -

Optimism Can't Beat Cancer

Mon, 12 May 2008 01:00:33 -0400

A recent medical study suggests that your chances of surviving head and neck cancer are the same if you have a positive outlook or a negative...

Earliest American Scat Found

Fri, 09 May 2008 01:00:30 -0400

The earliest-known fossilized feces was found recently in Oregon, placing humans on the American continents 1000 years earlier than previously...

Peanut Allergies May Be Cured

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:29 -0400

According to Duke University medical researchers, a cure for peanut allergies may be five years away. What do you think?

Stronger LASIK Warnings Urged

Wed, 07 May 2008 01:00:26 -0400

An FDA panel urged medical providers to offer more accurate warnings about the risks of refractive laser eye surgery. What do you think?

Pittsburgh No. 1 In Soot

Tue, 06 May 2008 01:00:57 -0400

The American Lung Association named Pittsburgh as the sootiest city in America. What do you think?

Walters Had Affair With Senator

Mon, 05 May 2008 01:00:30 -0400

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Barbara Walters admitted that she had an affair with former U.S. Sen. Edward Brooke. What do you think?

LSD Inventor Dead

Fri, 02 May 2008 01:00:51 -0400

Albert Hofmann, the Swiss chemist who created the hallucinogen LSD, died the age of 102. What do you think?

Hospital-Record Snoop Indicted

Thu, 01 May 2008 01:00:43 -0400

A former administrative specialist at the UCLA hospital was indicted for illegally accessing the medical records of some celebrities, including...

Dean: One Candidate Must Quit

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 01:00:01 -0400

Democratic Party chairman Howard Dean said that, in order to maintain party unity, either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama would have to drop out of...

Price Clubs Restricting Rice Sales

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 01:00:26 -0400

Because of incidents of hoarding, Sam's Club and Costco have put limits on the amounts of certain kinds of rice consumers can buy. What do you...