Wave To Everyone Who Passes By Or Get Off My Boat

issue 4534 | 08.20.09 | Commentary

Ok, that is it. I'm cutting the engines. We are not moving from this spot until one thing is made perfectly clear: Every single... more»

You Kids Are Old Enough Now To Hate For Yourselves

issue 4534 | 08.18.09 | Commentary

There comes a time in every father's life when he has to step back and let his children start thinking for themselves. You boys are getting... more»

I'm Sorry, But There Was Almost Nothing Else We Could Have Done

issue 4533 | 08.11.09 | Commentary

Please, sit down. I don't know how to say this, but I'm afraid your father didn't make it. I'm so sorry. I know nothing can make this tragic... more»

We've Got Some Great News For Those Employees Who Hate Our 401(k) Matching Program

issue 4532 | 08.06.09 | Commentary

Here at Lowell's Cleaning Services, our greatest asset is our employees. We're always striving to make our company stronger, and we try to... more»

The Divorce Was Unfortunate, But I'm Glad We Handled It Like Total Animals

issue 4532 | 08.04.09 | Commentary

I can't believe it's really over. Twenty-three years of marriage, done. Signed away with a couple of forms. We used to be so in love. What... more»

So This Is A Panic Attack, Eh?

issue 4531 | 07.30.09 | Commentary

Hmmm. Something seems to be happening. I'm definitely noticing a quickening of the breath, a pounding of the heart, racing thoughts, and I... more»

Hollywood Is A Cruel, Lonely Place For Actors Who Can Only Play Clumsy Italian Waiters

issue 4531 | 07.28.09 | Commentary

When you've been in show business as long as I have, you learn a thing or two about the ins and outs of old Tinseltown. And let me tell you,... more»

Why Did No One Inform Us Of The Imminent Death Of The American Newspaper Industry?

issue 4530 | 07.24.09 | Commentary

Just two scant weeks ago, Yu Wan Mei was ebullient with anticipation of inescapable success upon acquiring the Onion newspaper! To think that... more»

The Internet Allows For A Free Exchange Of Unmitigated Information

issue 4530 | 07.23.09 | Commentary

Know Any Good State Secrets?

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | Commentary

Hello, friends! Are you also having a good time today being an American? I am. I almost cannot wait to do it again tomorrow! Say, I've been... more»