-
May 06, 2008 | Issue 44•19
The stars hate to be the bearer of bad news, which is why they've decided to wait for the telegram, the somber representative, and the lifetime supply of Jiffy Pop to arrive instead.
-
Apr 29, 2008 | Issue 44•18
Your life story will soon be adapted in a hit Broadway play, though a lot of the over-the-top singing and dancing will have to be cut out in order to fit the stage.
-
Apr 22, 2008 | Issue 44•17
This week's full moon will turn you into a crazed, ferocious and out-of-control monster, but that's only because it'll happen to coincide with your period.
-
Apr 15, 2008 | Issue 44•16
You never thought you had a sensitive side, but the fist-sized boils down the right half of your body will soon change your mind.
-
Apr 08, 2008 | Issue 44•15
It's great that you've been treating your body like a temple, but maybe you should try switching to a faith that doesn't worship mayonnaise quite so much.
-
Apr 01, 2008 | Issue 44•14
You will awake to find a newborn infant on your doorstep, which isn't surprising, as that's where you left him the night before.
-
Mar 25, 2008 | Issue 44•13
The stars were going to warn you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
-
Mar 18, 2008 | Issue 44•12
Life will become needlessly complicated this Thursday when you purchase half as many apples as Cindy, but twice as many oranges as Charles and Cory combined.
-
Mar 04, 2008 | Issue 44•09
Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.
