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Mar 19, 2008 | Issue 44•12
Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been puttin' out fires left and right. First off, the brakes on my Festiva...
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Nov 28, 2007 | Issue 43•48
Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been trying to keep myself dry in the shitstorm, you know? First of all, I...
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Jul 18, 2007 | Issue 43•29
Hola, amigos. What up? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things got crazy, if you know what I mean. I got sacked from my job...
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Dec 05, 2006 | Issue 42•49
Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I got a lot on my plate these days. Serious, it was a one-two punch that...
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Jul 19, 2006 | Issue 42•29
Hola amigos. How's shit shaking out? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but misery's been flying at me from all directions, and...
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Oct 12, 2005 | Issue 41•41
Hola amigos. What's shakin'? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but the waters are not always smooth in Lake Anchower. The brakes...
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Aug 11, 2005 | Issue
Jim Anchower joined The Onion's editorial writing staff in 1993 after several distinguished years on The Come Back Inn dishwashing staff. He...
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Jun 22, 2005 | Issue 41•25
Hola, amigos. What's your deal? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but there's been all sorts of mess going on in my life. For one thing, I've been having a hard time getting my government checks. Not that they're worth a whole lot, but I didn't work 57 jobs just to wait by the inbox for my Social Security download. In the meantime, I've got a little side job detailing vintage gas-engine cars out of the driveway of my apartment dome. I don't have a whole lot of customers, but it's all credits up front, so I don't need to report it to the IRS Compliance Force.
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Jun 08, 2005 | Issue 41•23
Hola, amigos. What's goin' on? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but it's like life keeps raining shit down on me and I don't have a shit shovel big enough to clear it all away. My ride is giving me grief. The muffler is coming loose, so it's making a lot of noise. The car might sound badass if it were, like, a Thunderbird or something. But it's a Festiva, so it sounds like a souped-up lawn mower. I took a tin can and some muffler tape and patched the pipe up, but my repair job isn't going to last for long.
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Apr 13, 2005 | Issue 41•15
Hola, amigos. What do you hear? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been dragging my ass through the routine. The winter always gets me down. Don't tell me how it's spring. I know it's spring, but that makes it worse. It gets warm for a few days, I think I finally broke on through to the other side, and then it snows and I feel like shit again. Plus, my alternator belt is squeaking. I got a new one, but I haven't changed it yet because who wants to do car repairs when it's nice out?
