News

Hideous Man-Beast Washes Up On Shore Of Municipal Pool

issue 4528 | 07.10.09 | News

SEWARD, NE—The unnatural creature was thought to be a pile of rotting sewage until a lifeguard noticed that its lower extremities were... more»

Jilted Hasbro CEO Laughs Coldly As Scrabble Destroys Another Relationship

issue 4528 | 07.07.09 | News

PAWTUCKET, RI—"All fools must one day learn, that we will all be a few letters short of spelling H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S," said the embittered CEO. more»

Nation About Due For Big Cult Suicide

issue 4528 | 07.06.09 | News

WASHINGTON—The FBI has advised Americans to steel themselves for the grisly details of "a big group of weirdos knocking themselves off in a... more»

King Of Pop Dead At 12

issue 4526 | 06.26.09 | News

LOS ANGELES—Michael Jackson, a talented child performer known for his love of amusement park rides and his hobby of collecting exotic... more»

Awful Man Offers Witty, Acerbic Take On Everything He Sees

issue 4525 | 06.20.09 | News

ROCKVILLE, MD—According to friends of the modern-day Oscar Wilde, Alan Bower has a knack for sucking every last bit of genuine enjoyment out of... more»

Investigators Determine Air France Disaster Caused By Plane Crash

issue 4525 | 06.19.09 | News

PARIS—The shocking discovery, announced during a press conference Friday, finally sheds light on what took place in the early hours of June 1,... more»

Obama Announces Plans To Run For McCain's Senate Seat In 2010

issue 4525 | 06.16.09 | News

PHOENIX—"Together, we can meet the challenges we face. Together, we can send a message to Washington, and together, we can beat John McCain,"... more»