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At the AV Club: Best Music Of The '00s

T Herman Zweibel

I Have Not Eaten Since 1978

issue 3007 | 09.25.96 | Columnists

What does food taste like? I cannot remember. This is because in 1978, my stomach and most of my small intestine had to be removed. All of my... more»
I Think I May Have Had Sex Just Now

issue 3006 | 09.18.96 | Columnists

All right, I'll just come out and say it: In all my 124 years of life I have never had an erection. That is not to say that my three or five children... more»
Get the Hell Off My Property!

issue 3005 | 09.11.96 | Columnists

A most distressing thing happened to me the other day. There I was, squatting like a baboon in my bed, trying to pass a bolus the size of a medicine... more»
I'm Leaving My Fortune to That Lad On the Wireless Radio

issue 3004 | 09.04.96 | Columnists

Did you know I was once Governor of our fair state? Yes, from 1914 to 1920. I was known as the "Strip-Mining Governor" for my historic ceding of over... more»
The Liniment That Saved My Life

issue 3003 | 08.28.96 | Columnists

This Saturday I'll be observing my 112th birthday, and the well-wishes and accolades have been pouring into my vast plantation-estate. The King of... more»
How to Make a Newspaper Hat

issue 3002 | 08.21.96 | Columnists

I have two things I would like to say to the youth of today. First, kiss my blue-veined hiney! You're not fit to carry my coat, you insolent little... more»
I Just Wrote a Hymn

issue 3001 | 08.07.96 | Columnists

Let me tell you, I love Jesus Christ more than just about anything on this miserable rock called Earth. Every morning, my nurse unstraps me so that I... more»