MAKE-A-WISH GRANTS UNLIMITED WISHES (SHOOTING)
Chris Kula
This draft: 6/25/07
INT. TODAY NOW SET
FEMALE HOST and MALE HOST sit around the casual coffee area.
FEMALE HOST
Family friends say Kidman's current
weight is hovering around 98
pounds.
MALE HOST
And I agree, Female Host, she's
never looked better.
(switches cameras)
Well, here's one of those stories
about abuses of power that will
really get you steamed. Today the
charitable Make-A-Wish Foundation
is expected to file for bankruptcy,
due to the huge financial strain
caused by one boy's wish for
unlimited wishes.
STILL PHOTO: of Chad (8). Prod Note: He doesn't have to look
sick here, we can just get a photo from our actor.
FEMALE HOST
Did I hear that right? Unlimited
wishes?
MALE HOST (V.O.)
You certainly did. Thanks to a
bureaucratic loophole, for the past
three months, Chad Carter, an eight
year-old leukemia patient from
Boston, has enjoyed non-stop wish
fulfillment at a cost of nearly two
thirds of Make-A-Wish's annual
operating budget.
B-ROLL: INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - footage of Chad in a hospital
bed, playing Xbox on a large flatscreen TV. He's smiling
weakly.
B-ROLL WS: Milling about his room is a police officer, a
firefighter, a Darth Vader, a drum kit, lots of candy, etc.
Prod. Note: Keri, the above are the ideas that the writers
came up with, but we'd like you to brainstorm some more that
you think would be a) good for the joke and b) good for your
budget.
Prod. Note #2: The above are two examples of shots, but we'll
do a lot of b-roll for this setup.
FEMALE HOST
Oh, you've got to be KIDDING me!
MALE HOST (V.O.)
I wish I was. The Onion News
Network has learned that to date
this sick little boy has taken
advantage of Make-A-Wish to the
tune of...
GRAPHIC: an animated display tallies his gifts as they're
read off - a red bar graph of expenses rises with each item
MALE HOST (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Nine trips to Walt Disney World for
himself and his family of five. A
"real live" F-14 Tomcat - that had
to be decommissioned from service
in Afghanistan. And what has
amounted to near-daily hot dog
lunches with Red Sox slugger David
"Big Papi" Ortiz - as well as
untold hundreds of thousands spent
on fire trucks, dump trucks, and
quote "regular" trucks - and he
doesn't even drive!
FEMALE HOST
Unbelievable.
MALE HOST
And just listen to how he responds
to all this.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM
CHAD is hooked up to a ventilator. His words are subtitled.
PROD. NOTE: This can be like the mask from 'Friends With
Cancer.'
CASTING NOTE: Should feel like a real kid, not at all like an
actor. Should be cute (not in an acty way) and skinny and
pale.
Should be a) bald b) comfortable shaving head or c) we have
to find a cancer hat for him or d) he could have a very, very
little bit of hair.
CHAD
(labored breathing)
I don't want... the wishes... to
ever end.
INT. TODAY NOW SET
MALE HOST
Joining us now on the Onion News
Network via satellite is Make-A
Wish president Dean Feinglass:
Dean, you're in a real bind here.
SIDE BOX: DEAN FEINGLASS is an pleasant middle-aged man. He
should seem a little stressed (casting note: similar feeling
to exec. role from 'L.L. Bean.')
WRITING NOTE: We should brainstorm a lot of alternates and
improv questions for this interview.
DEAN
Well, MALE HOST, this cunning
little boy has really got our hands
tied. At Make A Wish, our slogan is
"a promise is a promise."
FEMALE HOST
Dean, can't you bend the rules this
one time? Unlimited wishes seems a
little extreme.
DEAN
Actually we DID amend this loophole
about six weeks ago, but Chad
simply wished it back to the way it
was.
MALE HOST
What can our viewers do to help?
DEAN
We need donations. We have called
in every favor to our normal donor
organizations; by now most have
stopped taking our calls. Send us
money, snowmobiles, popular actors,
uh, pizzas topped with jawbreakers -
really, anything you can spare.
FEMALE HOST
Dean, what's the best case
scenario?
DEAN
Best case is that another child
with a life-threatening illness
wishes to negate Chad's wish.
Though I admit it's a long shot -
they'll probably want to wish for,
I don't know, swimming with
dolphins at Sea World or something.
MALE HOST
And worst case?
DEAN
(sighs)
Worst case is we continue to honor
Chad's wish from now until the day
he dies of leukemia.
FEMALE HOST
Well, let's hope that day comes
real soon.
MALE HOST
Hey, talk about a death wish!
Laughter.
FEMALE HOST
You are just on fire today!
MALE HOST
Oh, we have a lot of fun, don't we?
FEMALE HOST
(sigh) Okay... coming up next, an
Onion News Network poll finds a
majority of moviegoers agrees that,
"Bitch don't open that closet, HE
IN THERE!"
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