CHINA POLLUTION
Script/Idea: Lang Fisher
This Draft: 11/7/2007 (CLK)
NOTE: In alternates, focus on ideas for B-roll and jokes that
work with footage.
Note: that fact is true-- china became the number one
greenhouse gas emitter in 2007.
INT. NEWSROOM
ANCHOR
Turning to world news, party
officials in Beijing are
celebrating the findings of a new
UN study which, for the first year
ever, listed China as the world's
number one producer of air
pollution.
FOOTAGE: Chinese factory smokestacks billow smoke.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
Yesterday Chinese Premier Wen
Jiabao delivered a speech
congratulating his countrymen on
the success.
FOOTAGE: Jiabao giving a speech, triumphant. We dub over his
voice with a translator...
TRANSLATOR
This is a magnificent feat for the
Chinese people. The skies are black
with the labors of our industry!
FOOTAGE: Crowds of Chinese people celebrating.
ANCHOR
Joining us now from the Chinese
embassy to discuss the study is
Ambassador Hsu Lan-Ning.
SPLIT-SCREEN: Hsu Lan-Ning, a small, older, Chinese man
smiling broadly.
LOWER THIRD: Chinese Ambassador Hsu Lan-Ning.
ANCHOR (CONT'D)
Thank you for being with us,
Ambassador Hsu.
AMBASSADOR HSU
Thank you for having me. It is a
proud day for my country. Today
China leads all of the world in
carbon dioxide emissions.
At last, China's dominance is now
felt with every breath the world
takes!
ANCHOR
How did this happen?
AMBASSADOR HSU
Through the collective wisdom and
self-discipline of the Chinese
people. In pursuit of attaining the
great goal of modernization, we
have doubled our vehicles, doubled
our factories, and doubled our
energy use. The labor of the people
has made the sky black with the
smoke of progress. We are
overjoyed.
ANCHOR
Your celebration of the new ranking
included a parade in the coal-rich
manufacturing center of Huainan.
We're seeing footage of that here.
FOOTAGE: A Chinese military parade. Crowds watch.
FOOTAGE: The parade from far away. Citizens waving Chinese
flags.
AMBASSADOR HSU
Yes. There was a hundred-widow smog
dance, a magnificent coal ash
dragon kite, and the littlest
children sang a song to the spirits
of poisoned fish.
FOOTAGE: The parade from far away. Citizens waving Chinese
flags.
FOOTAGE: Chinese children sing a song. Subtitle with
translation of the lyrics and they're praising air pollution.
ANCHOR
Yes, we're seeing that here. And
here is the Beijing Young People's
Vocal Group performing an ode to
Acid Rain, which now falls on 30
percent of China. That's quite an
achievement.
FOOTAGE: A teen group, a bit more upbeat or maybe rock.
AMBASSADOR HSU
Yes, China has 16 of the world's 20
most air-polluted cities -- we have
the most!
ANCHOR
The UN report called this figure
"startling" and "noteworthy."
AMBASSADOR HSU
Yes, that was kind of them. You can
see that no one expected us to pull
ahead so quickly. This makes us
doubly happy.
FOOTAGE: A smoggy skyline.
ANCHOR
We're looking at the skyline of
Huainan. You have called the smog
levels there "a grand symbol of
Chinese supremacy."
AMBASSADOR HSU
Yes. The sky above China is now a
rainbow of grays, reflecting the
many shades of our prosperity. It
is the policy of china to let a
million flues bloom with the many
varied and brilliant colors of
chemical flame. It is only through
the state's unwavering support of
manufacturing that sulfur dioxode
emissions rose to such levels.
Thanks to these many smokestacks,
China is no longer a country mired
in the past.
ANCHOR
What affect does this have on the
people's health?
AMBASSADOR HSU
A very big effect, I'm glad to say.
Close to one million people will
die of cancer this year. Cancer is
a very modern disease.
ANCHOR
Now, earlier today the White House
responded to the findings of the UN
pollution study. Let's take a
look.
INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE
PRESS SECRETARY
The United States will do what it
takes to remain competitive with
China.
*ALTERNATE:
PRESS SECRETARY (CONT'D)
We are confident that by working
with both large and small
businesses the United States will
be able to keep our pollution
levels competitive with China's.
INT. NEWSROOM
ANCHOR
Your thoughts, Ambassador Hsu?
AMBASSADOR HSU
America must realize that it is a
new era: They are no longer the
world's only superpower of
pollution. Yes, for many years,
they were the leader, but times
have changed and now we are just as
polluted as they are.
ANCHOR
But will you be able to maintain
this staggering growth? Statistics
show you are depleting your natural
resources at a quickly increasing
rate. Does that concern you?
AMBASSADOR HSU
No. This achievement is an
excellent example of Chinese
thoroughness and stamina. We will
continue with our staggering use of
our natural resources until they
are completely gone. The hearts of
a billion Chinese will not be
stopped by anything, we will find
new resources and use those as
well.
ANCHOR
Couldn't this damage your future?
AMBASSADOR HSU
No. The Chinese are tireless,
fearless. If pollution ruins a
river, we will build new river. If
pollution destroys a mountain, we
build new mountain. China is the
future. We will not stop until all
nations of the earth lie under air
thick with particulates of Chinese
origin. At last the world will be
unable to ignore our growing
prosperity.
ANCHOR
All right. Thank you, Ambassador
Hsu, and again, congratulations on
the ranking. Next up...
END.
----------
ALTERNATE
INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE
PRESS SECRETARY
The United States vows to diminish
their contribution to global
pollution in coming centuries.
INT. NEWSROOM
AMBASSADOR HSU
That is very cowardly.
----------
INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE
PRESS SECRETARY
The UN report came as a very big
surprise. We vow to do better.
INT. NEWSROOM
AMBASSADOR HSU
China accepts the challenge. No
matter how hard you try you will
not pull ahead.
-----------
China has 16 of the world's 20 most air-polluted cities.
Soon it will be 20!
TRANSLATOR
China stands committed to a
peaceful rise of many millions of
particles and fumes.
We must pump soot into the sky as
vigorously as we pump the wisdom of
Hu Jintao's "Scientific Development
Concept" into the hearts and minds
of our people.
We must pump soot into the sky as
vigorously as we pump the wisdom of
Deng Xiopeng theory into the hearts
and minds of our people.
Let us usher in a new era, a new
phase for the people of China, a
new atmospheric composition!
---TRANSLATOR
If progress be measured in the
smoke of industry, let my vision be
reduced to inches in front of me!
AMBASSADOR HSU
There is still much work to do.
Our air pollution index is up to
two parts per million of sulfur
dioxide, one of particulate matter.
These are still disappointingly
low, but China is an industrious,
proud nation and we will certainly
reach one million parts per million
of all of these glorious
pollutants.
By the black smoke in our skies it
is visible that China leads the
world in industry. Let us continue
our prosperity, filling the skies
with all manner of pallid slurry!
The people of China have spoken.
They have spoken with their soot
mouths!
(ALT smoke-mouths; ALT exhaust
pipes)
Every ton of ash belched skyward by
a Chinese pipe is a rousing cheer
for the prosperity of our People.
Let us fill the skies with our
proud cheers!
China is paving the path of
progress for the world. It is
paving the atmosphere!
Let a million smokestacks bloom, so
that we might ride their thick
exhaust to the top of the global
economy.
The great gift of Chinese industry
can be wrapped with nothing short
of an ash ribbon. Let us
manufacture these ribbons.
-----------------
Ambassador Hsu
Also, many in those countries
oppose pollution, which weakens
their industry and makes them slow
their progress. No living person in
China thinks pollution is bad. It
is quite deadly to do so, in fact.
ANCHOR
I know that now is a time of
celebration, but is there any
concern of what would happen if
someone were to surpass China as
the world's number one polluter?
AMBASSADOR HSU
We would rise to the challenge laid
before us and simply find new,
innovative ways to create
pollution.
---
ANCHOR
How do you feel about new
restrictions on emissions being
proposed by the UN?
AMBASSADOR HSU
We will ignore them. The UN and
other countries would like to
convince the people of the world
that these restrictions are for the
good of the Earth, but we know that
they are actually motivated by
jealousy over our masterful
accomplishment.
---
---
AMBASSADOR HSU (CONT'D)
Our clouds of pollution are so
great that they are picked up by
satellites, high in the heavens
above us.
---
ANCHOR
Ambassador Hsu, the level of
pollution that China is generating
right now is so impressive...will
you be able to sustain this and
retain your top spot into the
future?
AMBASSADOR HSU
Well, we don't really have to.
We've done our polluting of the
future already. The carbon dioxide
emissions from our coal plants will
last in the atmosphere for decades.
AMBASSADOR HSU (CONT'D)
An excellent job by the Chinese
people! China is now number one in
the glorious field of air
pollution!
---
AMBASSADOR HSU (CONT'D)
The year of the rat is a year of
ambition and leadership. It is
only fitting that in this year,
China will lead the world and truly
live up to its filthy, diseased,
honorable animal namesake.
If possible, find footage of a dragon belching lots and lots
of smoke.
AMBASSADOR HSU (CONT'D)
We had the longest dragon in our
history, coal-powered for the first
time, a fenghuan of emphysema
breathing in this glorious smoke
and finished with a feast of
tainted fish from our equally
compromised water supply.
AMBASSADOR HSU (CONT'D)
Yes, highest is best. Best is
progress…
---
AMBASSADOR HSU (CONT'D)
This cancer is very modern and a
sign of progress. With more cancer
comes more opportunities to cure
cancer with our coal-fueled MRI
machines and our hospital
factories.
---
AMBASSADOR HSU (CONT'D)
Our cloud of coal is a silver
lining in and of itself.
---
AMBASSADOR HSU (CONT'D)
Our future is closely tied to
pollution. The more pollution we
can create, the more industry will
follow to create more pollution.
These are the yin and yang of
modern China.
---
AMBASSADOR HSU (CONT'D)
Yes. It is a symbol of progress.
Our pollution is very auspicious.
ALTERNATE:
Ambassador Hsu
Everything.
Every last part of Chinese society,
culture, and business is focused on
making more things more quickly
with less concern for environmental
impact than any country in history.
We seek to raise up the poor, so
that they too can buy consumable
goods built in factories, drive
gas, um, guzzling cars, and learn
the true pleasure of wasting things
for no reason.
ANCHOR
China is one of the world's largest
exporters.
AMBASSADOR HSU
China is open. Our markets are
open. Our vents, smokestacks, and
chemical vapor-pipes are open. Let
us continue these exchanges.
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