CHINESE ROONEY (SMALL LOCATION)
Script/Idea: Sherman/Kula
This Draft: 11/6/07 (CLK)
INT. CHINA ONN STUDIO
This will be shot with anchor in front of green screen.
Anchor is subtitled or overdubbed.
CHINESE ANCHOR
Get ready to laugh because our own Poyuan
Wei is here to share his outlandish
observations about everyday life.
GRAPHIC: Series of photos of POYUAN looking perplexed,
angry, incredulous, curmudgeonly.
Subtitled Chryon: Wei's World With Poyuan Wei
INT. POYUAN WEI'S OFFICE
A messy reporter's office in China. See Any Rooney clips
for reference.
Poyuan -- an elderly Chinese man in a frumpy suit -- sits
hunched at the desk.
He holds up a parking ticket.
POYUAN
When I left work at exactly the
prescribed time on Wednesday, I found a
parking ticket ... and was I ever happy!
Paying my ticket gave me the opportunity
to visit the people's courthouse.
POYUAN (CONT'D)
People like you and me don't tend to talk
about our majestic and benevolent legal
system very much. I think it's the same
reason we don't talk our refrigerators.
If your refrigerator is functioning
without flaw, you're not very likely to
call up your neighbor to chat about it.
He mimes picking up a phone.
"Hello, this your comrade Poyuan. I just
want to tell you my refrigerator is
running perfectly fine and I have
absolutely no complaints about it."
He stops miming the phone and mugs for the camera.
If I did that my neighbor would probably
turn me in to the municipal mental health
office and I'd never be heard from again!
It is just so with the courts.
He laughs.
POYUAN (CONT'D)
Still, when I was paying my ticket in the
Great Hall of the People, I got to
thinking about our legal system.
The following is said very rhythmically,
POYUAN (CONT'D)
When you go to courthouse, you see a lot
of guilty people on trial. Some of the
guilty people are there because they are
guilty of small crimes like parking
tickets. Some of the guilty people are
there because they are guilty of big
crimes, like by risking the safety and
prosperity of the people by revealing
state secrets. Some of the guilty people
say they aren't guilty.
He mugs as if that's crazy.
Ridiculous! If you were not guilty, why
would the supreme wisdom of our
government ever have said you were
guilty? They would not.
My former friend Chang Wanquan had the
great honor of being called before the
court last month. He found out he was
guilty of disturbing the harmony of the
great society. That's why you don't see
him on this channel anymore. Chang loved
to use the internet, something I have
never had much use for. He used to say,
"The internet make everything easier."
Now I know that includes going to prison!
He chuckles.
POYUAN (CONT'D)
I've noticed that some people act like
life is one big courtroom. We're always
judging each other based on what we look
like or how we talk. If we're such good
judges,
(joke tone:)
maybe we should be President of the
Supreme People's Court and Chief Grand
Justice Xiao Yang! Then we all could
determine what's okay to watch or say or
read. This society would be a whole lot
better if every one of us was deciding
what was best for the common good. That
will be the day!
He looks into the camera for a long beat with a smirk and
then says with great sarcasm:
POYUAN (CONT'D)
Sure it would.
He holds up the ticket.
POYUAN (CONT'D)
No, I think I'd rather leave it up to the
infallible judgement of the government to
tell me where I can and can't park.
POYUAN has a huge grin plastered across his face as we:
FADE OUT.
INT. CHINA ONN STUDIO
ANCHOR
(smiling)
Poyuan Wei. As always, putting a smile on
our faces.
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CHINESE ROONEY (SMALL LOCATION) -- SCOTT VERSION
Script/Idea: Sherman/Kula
This Draft: 11/11/07 (CLK)
INT. CHINA ONN STUDIO
This will be shot with anchor in front of green screen.
Anchor is subtitled or overdubbed.
CHINESE ANCHOR
(smiling)
Get ready for a lot of laughter, because
our very funny commentator Poyuan Wei is
here to give you his outlandish opinions
about the issues of daily life that we
can all relate to.
GRAPHIC: Series of photos of POYUAN looking perplexed,
angry, incredulous, curmudgeonly.
Video Intro: CGI shirt collar with flames and smoke
rising from it. Subtitled chyron: Hot Under The Collar
With Poyuan Wei.
INT. POYUAN WEI'S OFFICE
A messy reporter's office in China. See Andy Rooney clips
for reference.
Poyuan -- an elderly Chinese man in a frumpy suit --
reads each line in a set up/punchline style, like a
straight-faced Borsch-belt comedian. Set up and Punchline
are separated by ellipses.
He holds up a parking ticket.
POYUAN
When I left work at exactly the
prescribed time on Wednesday, I found
this on my car -- a parking ticket.
Of course, I had to appear in court, and
let me tell you... Our legal system is
without flaw!
POYUAN (CONT'D)
If a person were to ask me what the
biggest problem with our legal system is,
I would say to them... 'If you think our
legal system has problems, you are a
traitor to the People's Republic of
China'!
POYUAN (CONT'D)
If only you could have seen the summary
judgement against me... It was an
elegantly written distillation of the
wisdom of the state! To observe the
incontestable logic of party-appointed
judges was a true honor!
POYUAN (CONT'D)
So, how did I really feel about getting a
parking ticket...? I will tell you -- I
was embarrassed and ashamed that I had
violated our laws.
POYUAN (CONT'D)
But when I went to the court, I saw many
other people on trial. Some were guilty
of big crimes, like treason. Many
proclaimed they were not guilty...
Ridiculous! If you are not guilty, why
did our wise and just government ever say
you were guilty? You make no sense.
POYUAN (CONT'D)
Guilty people are served all kinds of
punishments. Some go to jail. Some are
justly put to death. I've heard that
there are other, more terrible
punishments as well... but these are
unfounded rumors - although they all
sound reasonable and fair.
POYUAN (CONT'D)
My former friend and co-worker Chang
Wanquan went to court last month. He
found out he was guilty of disturbing the
harmony of the great society... That's
why you don't see him on this channel
anymore!
He chuckles.
POYUAN (CONT'D)
Life can sometimes feel like court. We
often judge each other based on what
people wear or how they talk... But here
is what I have to say about that -- if we
are such good judges, maybe we should be
President of the Supreme People's Court
and Chief Grand Justice Xiao Yang! Then
we could decide what's okay to watch or
say or read.
POYUAN (CONT'D)
That will be the day!
He chuckles.
POYUAN (CONT'D)
I think it is best that we all trust our
leaders to tell us what to do, including
where to park our cars.
He holds up the ticket.
FADE OUT.
INT. CHINA ONN STUDIO
ANCHOR
(slifling laughter)
Poyuan Wei. He is truly an amusing
character.
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